Quotes and jokes!

[Antaletriangle]

One repays a teacher badly if one remains nothing but a pupil.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)


Then there's this:
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

Louis Hector Berlioz


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


LEARNED THE HARD WAY - when you take a dog on a car ride, he loves to stick his head out the window, but if you blow in his face, he gets very mad at you.





TRYING TO GET HEALTHY - I tried jogging, but it made the ice jump right out of my martini and put my cigarette out.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is believed to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language

COMMON SENSE? - You can't trust dogs to watch your food.



Never start an argument with an idiot, for he will drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.... Anon

Pardon? .... Vincent Van Gogh


If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau


I'm The Best House Keeper in Holywood. Every time I get Divorced I keep the house.
Zaza Gabor (actress & HouseKeeper)


A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile
the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery


'I never thought I was going to date an older man when I first met him. To me, it was different to hang out with someone with something to say that was so interesting and important and who was truly, incredibly intelligent. He's handsome and has so much charisma - and he's so funny. He's very normal and down to earth. He's an incredible man and I just love him' - 27-year-old Australian model Kristy Hinze reveals the attraction of her 63-year-old boyfriend Jim Clark. Who happened to found Netscape and is a billionaire.

[Soul Sequence]

Though I believe we are nearing close to some major changes occuring, I thought this was cute.

[371]

That cartoon remind me of one that I saw a while back (and was actually plagarized from Gary Larson's Far Side).

A Bigfoot, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and a Grey (w/ massive cranium) are sitting around a table playing cards when police bust in and raid the place. A cop asks: "OK- which one of you is the brains of the operation??" nyuk yuk yuk

[sfth13]

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
Carl Sagan
US astronomer & popularizer of astronomy (1934 - 1996)

[Soul Sequence]

LOL.....apologize to any Palin fans but I found this web page where you click on things on the image. Made me laugh, lots of things to click on. Some may find this amusing.

http://www.palinaspresident.us/

[Lotus]

loved the Palin page...


"They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" --David Letterman

[Lotus]

"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno

[Brinty]

I thought I'd found a thread I could relate to where I could tell loads of jokes. Then I saw the words "decent" and "clean". Oh well, such is life

[Dantheman62]

CAR AIR CONDITIONERS - The real story of how they came
to be.

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97
degrees. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's
office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that
3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in
the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was
curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car.They persuaded him to get into the car which was about
130 degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the
car off immediately. The old man got very excited and
invited them back to the office, where he offered them

$3
million for the patent.The brothers refused, saying they
would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition
by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,"
on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.Now
old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name
on 2 million Fords.They haggled back and forth for about 2
hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their
first names would be shown.And so to this day, all Ford air
conditioners show Norm, Hi and Max on the controls.
Now you know.

[Brinty]

A motorcycle cop saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf."

[Dantheman62]

Originally Posted by Brinty

A motorcycle cop saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf."

Oh man that's funny!!!!!

[Dantheman62]

BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

[Brinty]

An elderly woman driver was seen to be driving erratically and was pulled over by a cop who suspected she was drunk in charge. He asked if she had been drinking, she told him, "Yes, I've had two beers, three double bourbons and a four glasses of wine. He then asked to see her licence. "I don't have one." she replied,
Startled, the cop asked if it was her car, "No," she replied, "I shot the owner with my gun and took the car."
The cop was worried by her admission and radioed for urgent backup. "Where is the owner now," he asked. She replied, "I stuffed him in the boot."
Within two minutes three police cars arrived and the occupants leaped out with guns at the ready.
The superior officer spoke to the cop who told him that the woman had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot, stolen the car and that she didn't have a drivers licence and she had been drinking.

The senior officer walked cautiously up to the woman's window and asked her to open the trunk, which she did. There was no body in there. Looking at the cop who had pulled her up, he then said to the woman, "Where's your gun?" She replied , "I don't have a gun."
Looking at the cop again the officer then asked her, "Do you have a driver's licence?"
"Yes," said the woman and reached into her handbag. "Is this your car?" "Yes," replied the woman showing him the proof of ownership. Puzzled, the officer said, "This man told me that you told him this wasn't your car, you had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot and and that you had no driver's licence."
"Hmph! He probably told you I'd been drinking as well."

[Dantheman62]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[raulduke]

These are indeed troubled and desperate time we are living in.
I can provide the very wise and comforting answer to the ultimate question though:

The answer is 42.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aboZctrHfK8

Oh yeah, this is important too.

Don't Panic......and always bring a towel.

[Dantheman62]

Classic rd, and funny too!

[Swanny]

People will forget what you said ... ..
People will forget what you did ... ..
But people will never forget how you made them feel.....


An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an ar$ehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours*

[Dantheman62]

Great joke Swanny!

[Swanny]

I'm not paranoid......
I KNOW they are watching me