Ex-Christian

[100thmonkey]

I know astrologically now is a good time to offload long held ‘story’. This is a defining part of who I am, and, even if nobody reads it, at least I’ve put it out there - and I haven’t found a better spiritual community to do this than Avalon, even of those sites I will link to at the end…

I’m interested in other people’s stories on this subject too, of those who were once christian but have since left.

Anyway, here’s the basics of my spiritual journey…
I used to believe the bible was the inerrant word of god, that those who thought there were contradictions in it just hadn’t had it explained properly. I used to read 'Creation' magazine and the 'Answers in Genesis' people had me fooled for a long while, thinking I was intelligent and scientific in my beliefs about the 6 day Creation, not gullible like those others who were swayed by ‘evil-ution’…

I knew there was one key to dismantling the bible though, but that it would never be found, because it didn’t exist...

Yet I had no fear of facing any argument against the bible, because the bible was God’s word, and, "If God is for you who can be against you?"
I had told myself that if I ever found any true contradictions in the bible then that would be grounds to dismiss the whole thing – because flaws are human, and the bible is the Word of God – God doesn’t make mistakes…
So if there were flaws then that would make the bible just another human authored document, no more valid than any other…
Of course I was bold in that belief because I knew it was impossible – and I was proud of it.

I was never happy in my belief though, I just thought there was no other truth, and I didn’t want to end up in hell for eternity, so I had to submit.

Christianity was a fit to my insular personality too, and going through adolescence it kept me isolated from ‘the world’ – soemthing I’m still having to reprogram myself from, with counselling.
The best way to avoid sex, drugs and drink was to just cut myself off from everyone. Be in the world but not of it.

Yet at the same time the basic indoctrinations made me feel unworthy to hang around with other christians of my age, because I knew my secret ‘shame’.
I knew I was a guilty, worthless, disobedient, piece of filth, fit to burn in hell forever, if I died right then.

Why?
…because I couldn’t help thinking about girls. Sex!
I was evil!
I tried to not think about it, but of course that is impossible.
Asking a teenage boy to not think about girls is like asking a hungry man not to think about food.
Can we resist our natural desire to breathe? or eat? No, it’s inbuilt…

Yet here is the diabolical genius of religion. Find something people can’t do without and bring it under the authority of God.
So sex is forbidden outside of marriage – and who has the authority to marry people? The church… (at least, back in the day…)

It doesn’t seem like much, except if there’s nothing else in your life.

A newsletter I subscribe to had this insightful quote:

Carl Jung pointed out that the principal product of religion is guilt and despair. Despair over this life, despair over our thoughts, despair over our desires, despair over our actions. Dr. Jung states that as we dwell on this despair we drive ourselves into repression in an effort to control our thoughts and desires. This repression then leads to depression, which fosters disease.

It was a disease of the mind.

When the Roman Empire was threatened with anarchy and being overtaken by barbarians they realised they couldn’t maintain their power over people by force of arms any more – they needed to preserve their power more ingeniously.
So Constantine united all the disparate religions under the banner of Christianity – and the Roman Empire eventually became the Roman Church. So that by the time the Barbarians overwhelmed the physical Roman Empire, those Barbarians themselves were already being christianised…

Rome’s power was still in place, the same elite bloodlines as Popes rather than Emperor’s.
The pantheon of god’s now the Saints.
Now the people would follow Rome's authority by their own programmed guilt - Fear of God rather than fear of man…

An in-built Centurion.
Their own minds turned against them as a means of remote control.

But I didn’t figure that out until later.
Back to the story…


One day I was curious as to what arguments the Jews had for rejecting Jesus, after all, isn’t he the fulfilment of their bible too…?
So I boldly stumbled onto the internet looking for answers.
I found a lot of info from Jewish websites that was anti-christian, especially pointing out flaws and contradictions in the gospel story.

“Ha, let me check that out… you just need to … Hmmm, really?
It does say that in the bible? Whoah!”

It seemed that imposible key I spoke of really did exist!

I wasn’t about to turn Jewish, but nevertheless it was a real ‘Matrix moment’.

That waking up to an alien reality.

Discovering the whole world, and life as you’ve known it, is so vastly different than what you’ve been indoctrinated to believe since the day you were born – and in rapid succession all your beliefs are shattered.
It was also absolutley liberating, exciting, mind blowing, yet with the dawning in my mind of how I’d lived my life so, so, wrongly.

It was horrific to finally ‘get’ the trap I’d been in, but joyous to realise the freedom now open to me.


I still had fears about daemons and deception though, what if I was being led astray by a daemon desperate to claim my soul?

Yet I had also begun reading magazines like Nexus and New Dawn.
In one issue of Nexus was an article about the ‘real matrix’ by some dude called David Wilcock…
Yesss!

I was drawn to his website and intrigued. I saw he had online books to read, “The Shift of the Ages”, but hmmm, it’s got chanelled material… How does he prove that’s not just daemons feeding the author lines?
I read it anyway – warily, seeking explanation.

I was impressed with the fact that one of the girls who channeled the Law of One was a christian and, as the bible says to do, ‘tested the spirits’ before a session. Even daemons can’t resist the power of the name of Jesus, so I believed, yet here they were happily continuing their sessions after such a test…
Hmmm, wow…


I was just as interested in the science though.
Through David’s brilliant explanations and ingenious assembly of evidence I started to see a wider spectrum of spirituality, that it’s not just God vs Devil, Good vs Evil, Daemons vs Angels, Black vs White, “You’re either with us or against us!”
…but that there are many densities, many levels and dimensions.
That spirtual entities can also be as honest or as deceptive as humans.

There is no daemon more evil than what a human is capable of. There is no angel more merciful than what a human is capable of.
We, humans and spirits, are all just the same, just some have bodies, some don’t.
It’s our level of awareness that makes the real difference.

That, most of all, I could be scientifically confident - that there really is no such thing as an eternal Hell!

That is liberation folks.

I’m laughing tears of joy right now just thinking of those moments.
I’ve never felt so spiritually alive and free than reading those books.
Thankyou David, I will remember it forever.


Anwyay,
despite my attempts to share this with my christian family, thinking they were as honest as me and if shown the light would come with me on a joyous journey of freedom… I was threatened with being cut off, that I was speaking with the tongues of daemons(!) and trying to drag my own family to hell!
That my father would cease all communication with me, because my words were really that of the devil, who he is duty bound to reject…


If I hadn’t forced further communication with them, maybe I really would be cut off by now?
I do get along with my family - by simply not mentioning religion, unless we all want to get into a yelling match (it may start out polite and such, but, inevitably…)


It pains me though,
because I know they suffer.

My mother even in tears many times - because they truly believe their son is destined for an eternity in a lake of fire. I hate that the mind of such a loving person has been tortured that way. I wish they could understand what I do.


Somehow they don’t question how unfair and ridiculous hell is (I don’t even understand how I never did either. I guess I was more caught up in defending such things as part of the larger gospel framework than actually picking it apart), but…


If I am deceived, at least I am honestly deceived.
I don’t believe I deserve punishment for that.

...and shouldn’t any ‘punishment’ go to the deceiver, not the honestly deceived?

In other words, bible god’s sense of justice is seriously skewed. To the point I cannot accept it – even if it turns out to be the horrific truth.
The all-knowing one will just have to listen to my martyred screams of protest in hell for eternity…
Of course that horrible scenario is absurd…

I am earnest in my spiritual quest.
I am open to others and want to understand everything.

Yet still I struggle.
There are still issues of personal negativity for me to deal with – I want to be open about it though.
Maybe there are similar minds on this forum?

My own mind is in two places:

- absorbing, processing, claiming and sharing all the knowledge and higher spiritual wisdom that is now open to me - and this Camelot/Avalon community is the most magical place for that…

– yet having also to deal with the default mental programming I have had indelibly imprinted on my mind since birth, which has to be battled with every thought.


People here seem so open and free with their spiritual insights.
It’s great, and I’m in jealous admiration of that, because it’s not as easy to be so light for some.

I’m a deep thinker, so I can get pretty heavy, and may seem negative, or indignant – but really I’m just searching for truth like everyone else. I’m searching for ultimate fairness that I know must exist.


Reading some beautiful spiritual wisdom on a thread here, or a site there, I have in the back of mind, “Oh, I know what a christian would say about this…” which is really the negativity of what ‘my old-self’ would’ve said…

It hinders my development, because everything is not just absorbed in it’s purest form, it has to battle past the outdated filters in my mind.
Yes, it takes it’s rightful place in my mind eventually, but somehow the experience has been tainted.


So with such constant inner struggle I now battle depression, but I try to do it without medication.
I don’t want to just block things out as the solution. I want to solve it.


I have instinctive reactions against even the words ‘Jesus’, or ‘Bible’ or any other of those Christiany things, especially if it’s being presented as some kind of positive… because I know that ultimately christianity, the bible, etc. is anything but positive.
Sure it works fine for some, but it’s not a one size fits all.
Of course nothing is, that’s the point.

I know this is an extreme statement, but I think that all of the love that is promoted by deluded christians everywhere (yes, of which I was one) is a flawed kind of love.

It’s true foundation is Fear.

The love and ‘mercy’ chrisitans feel is only because they are so grateful for being ‘saved’, and feel they owe god so much
– but ‘saved’ from what?

I call this “One-eyed Christianity”.

Most evangelical types only pay attention to the fluffy, lovey parts of the bible and ignore the hellfire and damnation parts.
That’s understandable, it works for them and they’re happy – great – who can be against that?
Not me.

I would never criticise their chosen way of life – If only they weren’t charged by their holy book with spreading such fear based philosophy to others (I can’t stand the thought of some innocent person, especially a growing child, being hooked into the burden of guilt and fear I experienced in christianity when I know I have the power to explode those myths).


Ultimately, there is an absolute dark side to the bible and that is, as most people know, Hell, and the God who invented it.
Eternal, with no escape.

I finally woke up to the fact that even if such a thing is real, I still am duty bound to reject the concept on principle, and I can not worship a god who sustains such a thing.
Not when there are so many better alternatives for eternity, that a truly omnipotent, loving, merciful god could have set up - my favourite example being Reincarnation (even ignoring which system is true or not, just the concept of reincarnation is better than the concept of eternal hell – and if all knowing god was in heaven deciding how best to save all his beloved creations then why the hell would he settle for eternal hell…?)


Even the love and charity shown by christianity to others is really because they are commanded by the bible.
If the bible commands them to be hateful then they are hateful too. That is evident throughout history.
Gays know it, people wanting the benefits of stem cell research knew it, and so on…


If individual christians stay in such things as their own gratitude and love for their god then they will experience the benefits of those, for sure, but really, for someone who is a deep thinker, a deep questioner like myself, then it will inevitably be seen that such love is Counterfeit.

A counterfeit can be spent like the real thing, but is ultimately nothing.


I see christianity now for what it is - a tool of control, as dark as any the Illuminati has ever created.

Not just controlling lives but destroying the sanity of those who can’t simply have ‘faith’ in it’s vengeful brooding god, but are yet indoctrinated with it’s dogma.
It’s called Cognitive Dissonance, and it’s insanity, schizophrenia, you name it.

Talk about MK-Ultra,
Christianity is the greatest mass mind manipulation tool in history – it turns one’s own mind into an enemy – as if your own natural thoughts and instincts are the malevolent whispers of a slavering daemon.

That the only escape is to turn to that other imaginary fiend – Jesus – bow, beg, humble yourself, humiliate yourself, prove your submission and admit your powerlessness and worthlessness – and he will save you (or else).

There is no horror movie that has anything worse than the supernatural horrors born out of the bible.

There is no humiliation more soul destroying than to be told you are worthless and then forced to agree.
It’s the same level of horror you read about in Illuminati mind control stories, like Svali, etc.

I’m sorry to forum posters who have felt my opposition personally.
I get suspicious of those who are proud to be christian, because I know the insidious way christianity instructs it’s followers to spread the ‘good news’.

Really it is a Virus, immune to logic, befriending and attaching to any target in reach, insinuating into any group by any means, then gradually attempting to morph the target into it’s likeness.

It’s ignorant followers don’t even see anything dark in what they are doing – they may even feel genuine compassion for those they are trying to ‘save’ – yet they can’t see that, “Why should we need saving?”

What kind of god are they serving that would demand worship or cast you into eternal torture, just for the crime of being born?!



"This book filled the darkness with ghouls and ghosts, and the bodies of men and women with devils. This book polluted the souls of men with the infamous dogma of eternal pain. This book made credulity the greatest of virtues, and investigation the greatest of crimes. This book filled nations with hermits, monks and nuns - with the pious and the useless. This book placed the ignorant and unclean saint above the philosopher and philanthropist. This book taught man to despise the joys of this life, that he might be happy in another - to waste this world for the sake of the next.
I attack this book because it is the enemy of human liberty - the greatest obstruction across the highway of human progress.
Let me ask the ministers one question: How can you be wicked enough to defend this book?"

- R. G. Ingersoll, from 'About the Holy Bible'.

I still find myself breathing heavily, if not in tears, after reading that quote, because it hits so close to my experience, and I’m sure that of many others.

I find George Carlin’s take a helpful relief though, and hilarious:
Religion is Bullsh*t

Hebrews 9:22
“There can be no forgiveness without bloodshed.”
Hmmm, yeah, I disgree on that one.


I have one last take on christianity:

At one point I started to wonder, what if chrisitanity is all a test, but not the one presented by the bible?

If you were God, eternal, unchangeable, invincible, none could harm you even if they tried, and then deciding who would be your eternal companions in heaven… who would you respect more?

- Those who cower at your displays of aggression and bloodshed and kiss your feet and praise you for it?

- or those who see the brutality, the ego, the delusion and senselessness – and have the courage to stand against it, stand up to proclaim from their heart that there must be a better way.
To not surrender their sovereign soul to bully tactics.
To live true freedom, rather than become yet another humiliated servant of a god obsessed with blood and death...

Maybe those are the kind more worthy?



To anyone in a similar situation to mine I can recommend these sites:
Exchristian.net
- Most of the Ex-C’s there are happily materialist atheist’s, defensively so (as christian trolls soon find out), but really very nice.
The ex-timonies there give good insight into what it’s like to be in christianity to those freer souls who’ve never grown up in it's insidious grasp.

I’m not a materialist atheist myself, but reading those arguments keeps me honest.

That’s why I am so impressed with this next site:
Rational Spirituality
“Evidence not Faith”…
Not new-agey, but with the best big-picture evidence for things like reincarnation, etc.

Anyway,
enough for now.

Thanks for reading if you made it all the way through.