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Old 12-01-2009, 08:39 PM   #376
Gnosis5
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tango View Post
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Mesa night before last.


Date: 2009-11-26, 1:43 a.m. Mtn


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my friend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my wallet. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually sh it in your pants when I drew my weapon after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. I had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my lifeday, and I had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it...?!


I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants.. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. What'd you think I was stupid...


After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!


I gave your shoes to a homeless guy in Mesa, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]


I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked a the curb ... After I broke the windscreen and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.


Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so 'what 's going on with that?' Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.


The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).


In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, your life of crime and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Than Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. You have a good day!
Hey, Happy Holidays... Yo... Yo, Momma wants to talk to you.

Trooly yours,


Tango
Wow, that's what I should have done to that druggie ex-boyfriend on the way out the door, lol.

cheers!
gnosis
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Old 12-01-2009, 08:40 PM   #377
TheObserver
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gnosis5 View Post
Hey Rhythm, what a great idea!

Okay, I'm getting warmed up:

The first joke I ever remember laughing my head off about (I was in Kindergarten) was:

Q: Why did the little man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A: Becaues he didn't want to wake his sleeping pills! Get it???

Just getting warmed up, I'll be back!

cheerios,
Gnosis

now that's a cute joke!
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:04 PM   #378
Gnosis5
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Quote:
Originally Posted by mudra View Post
Rejoicing in nothing and knowing nothing...
are the true rejoicing and the true knowledge."

Lao Tzu
Sort of like, "And the truth shall make you laugh."

After a really good session where I have finally blown the whole incident out of the water, peals of laughter at finally realizing what a joke I played on myself. But I don't think anyone else would get it.

Confucius say, "we are the brunt of our own laughter"
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:01 PM   #379
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

My sense of humor took a while to kick in - this in itself is a wonder because both of my parents had fantastic abilities when it came to telling jokes. Anyway, the first joke I heard (or at least, the first one I remember hearing) was when I was five. It stuck in my mind because it was illogical . . .

Q. What would you do if you had a hundred pounds?
After rattling off all the things you'd buy, the answer came back . . .
A. I'd buy a new bum 'cos mines got a crack in it.
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Old 12-02-2009, 12:13 AM   #380
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda fecked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... this yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. He begs her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such.

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says, "Abracapokus! You're brown!"

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother, "Wait a minute! My prcik's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies, "I don't do willies. You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her, "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says, "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ol' twig and berries. They remain purple. He says: "My prcik's still purple!"

She says, "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies, "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers, "That's easy...

just follow the.......YELLOW PRCIK TOAD!"

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Old 12-02-2009, 01:41 AM   #381
Tango
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Before you go off half cocked... The knife had a 10" blade... And, he intended to
use it... I gave him the coat. I could have called the police. He would have been
out in 5 days... I think the pimp will take care of it... No, police hours wasted.
Judges...

It was a threat of Great bodily harm.... I could have legally fired... But, than
there's the mess... And, someone's got to clean it up... Now, it will take care
of itself... And, he Paid it Forward... The homeless man got the shoes. And, I
did Not have to Kill someone. I don't think he'll ever do it again, after the
Pimp, has a chat with him... See.... It's ALL Good... Didn't cost the tax
payers a penny... Mesa, just had to lay off police officers. Problem Solved.
Budget Problems... Problem Solved...

Trooly,


Tango




Quote:
Originally Posted by TheObserver View Post
That's not funny, that's terrible, so the guy with the bigger weapon gets to be the bigger bully?
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Old 12-02-2009, 02:10 AM   #382
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Congratulations on your self defense Tango. But why post it in the jokes thread?

Also i have never owned a gun and never will and i have hung out in plenty of tough neighborhoods and tough bars and never even been in a fist fight.
I truly believe that if one arms oneself that the quantum mechanics of the laws of attraction/manifestation will
increase and not decrease your chance of meeting trouble.
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Old 12-02-2009, 02:52 AM   #383
Tango
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Go Read My Profile... I've carried all my life...

WHY.....? He, S H I T himself... For Real... When the tables turned...

He was Nasty... But, I think this will turn him around. Now, The Pimp will

be the Judge... And, his Momma... Knows everything... He can't lie...

Now, that IS FUNNY... When he shows up at home she already knows about

the sludge... another problem solved... I Told Her... He can't lie...

Tango


Quote:
Originally Posted by TheObserver View Post
Congratulations on your self defense Tango. But why post it in the jokes thread?

Also i have never owned a gun and never will and i have hung out in plenty of tough neighborhoods and tough bars and never even been in a fist fight.
I truly believe that if one arms oneself that the quantum mechanics of the laws of attraction/manifestation will
increase and not decrease your chance of meeting trouble.

Last edited by Tango; 12-02-2009 at 07:56 PM.
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:58 AM   #384
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Got this in an email today and it made me chuckle, even though it holds many truths....

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately --
illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in
Florida ...

......... not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a
win-win situation.

* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
* Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
* Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today? Yes !

Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments


COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of
Washington ? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are
unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow..



THE CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has
worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.



THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a
courthouse is this -- you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers,
judges and politicians .... it creates a hostile work environment.
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Old 12-03-2009, 02:27 AM   #385
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Hey, Lorien, great laugh tonic thanks!!! If you get anymore brilliant forever solutions DO post :-)

love,
gnosis
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Old 12-04-2009, 03:08 AM   #386
Tango
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Sears Catalog

Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies, 'Yes, they are very beautiful

And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes, 'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'


Three weeks later, the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?'


The second redneck replies......

SCROLL DOWN . YOU'LL LOVE IT!
















"No, but it shouldn't be long now.
I got her clothes yesterday! "




Trooly,


Tango
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Old 12-04-2009, 12:55 PM   #387
Tango
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan.

Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush's home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies ?"

Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches... They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass ?"

"No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

"That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, " Hard to fool them flies, though..."

Snicker; Snort, Snort...LOL


Trooly,



Tango

I shouldn't write things like this. Some would think I'm just looking for a
Laugh...

Last edited by Tango; 12-04-2009 at 02:49 PM.
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Old 12-04-2009, 08:31 PM   #388
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Hmm

http://www.jokesforum.com/cowboy-jok...cle-flies.html

Last edited by TheObserver; 12-04-2009 at 08:37 PM.
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Old 12-05-2009, 12:34 AM   #389
Tango
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Deleted Per Rhythmmm's request...

Last edited by Tango; 12-05-2009 at 08:26 PM.
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Old 12-05-2009, 06:40 AM   #390
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Old 12-05-2009, 07:02 AM   #391
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Tango, i know about the healing list, i love what you do there, and send my good vibes to those listed as well,
so that's why i find your more pointed jokes surprising i guess. From now on i'll chalk it up 'hey, that's his brand of humor' and keep it
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Old 12-05-2009, 10:03 AM   #392
Ross H
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tango View Post
Ya Know I also wrote this:

Default The Information Field of Dr Pete Peterson...
I'm going to Pull this from 1950's memory... I've got Total recall; just don't have instant recall. Here Goes...

Para-psycholgy has proven that the transmission and reception of thought is
possible and a scientific fact. The Information Field is the result of a developed
ability to awaken the nearly dormant consciousness to thoughts existing
thoughout all time. Nothing can be thought of that has not been thought before
The principles of radio, TV, electricity, flight, all modern things existed in the
time of Plato and Columbus. All the principles of everytthing that can ever BE
already exists in the infinity of Our Universal consiousness.

The ability to penetrate the Mind requires practice. In practicing the act of
awareness I found that Intelligence exists throughout the Universal Programming.

Thinking is Not something One Does. Thinking is the Act of becoming Aware
of what already exists. One does Not TRY to THINK to become aware. One
only has to remove ' their ' thoughts, and then the Programming of the
Universe [the Information Field] rushs in to fill the void.

To Me, One must understand himself/herself, FIRST... Then, they may understand all the others...

Atoms compose all things. " G " or G Force; the Masons " G "...
The light found in all compositions of all atoms. "G" light is Our Creative Intelligence.

Our earth IS an electron of our Sun, traveling in its orbit of a negative field
It is rotated by the band of " A " and " B "... light forces, equal to the
earth's diameter. Prior to the formation of individual atoms, the " A "
and " B " lines of LIGHT force had to have or contain the correct amount
substance particles..... Let's look at two (2) lines of force " A " and " B "...
These two lines of oppositely charged light cross' each other at 90 degrees,
insulated by "G"
lines of Intelligence [consiousness;Universal Mind]; infinite consiousness.
They cannot be brought into induction where they cross unless they are
mated. In order to give birth to Hydrogen. In order to give birth to an atom
of Hydrogen, the " A " and " B " line must conform to Species. The Law reads
" each after its own Kind ". The " B " must contain the same number of
particles per inch as the " A " does. And, everything must vibrate at the same
frequency. The " G " force...

The Information Field ... Consiousness... " G " Force. vibration...

That's what I remember from back sometime in the 50's....


Trooly,


Tango



And posted it on several different sites... I expect it to show up with someone

else's name on it. Maybe I should do what your doing. And, you should
do what I'm doing... What your doing is easier...

There's a Healing list over on Avalon... Maybe you could try That to Help
other's... We could Really use the Help... At Least Think About It....
Would you at least take a look...

Trooly,


Tango
I'm vibrating with that lot Tango...cheers.

Peace
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Old 12-05-2009, 12:20 PM   #393
rhythm
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Hey peeps

please lets keep this thread

light hearted ...

it was my sole intention

for members to have a place

to go and lighten up ...

keep rhythmmmm lauhing

whie you laugh at my speling

i do love and respect ALL of you ..

this is a joke thread my loverlys ...


so bring em on ..........rhythmmm xxxxxxxx

ps thanks so much for all the laughs ....

Last edited by rhythm; 12-05-2009 at 03:33 PM.
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Old 12-05-2009, 08:40 PM   #394
Tango
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

I think I'll stand down on posting for a while....

Let you Young Pup's carry on... Your, knowledge come out...

About time I clean the carpets in this place.

I've got some personal issues to deal with also...

I might as well deal with it. So.... I'll, P N P [Peek NOT Post].

Cleaning Carpet will give me time to THINK...

See you guyz later.... Sorry, for the trouble on your thread

Rhythmmmm......... I Really Am... Observer is going to carry My Load.

Tango Standing Down (Carpet Cleaning)...


Now this IS FUNNY... Observer, Do you Clean Carpet ? LOL

Last edited by Tango; 12-06-2009 at 04:45 PM.
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Old 12-05-2009, 09:24 PM   #395
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Tango, I've got a trained monkey here who washes all the windows and thinks it's PLAY. I'll send him over for a few days to help out. He's got round trip tix. He's been trained not to chatter and his name is Cando. He never gets under-foot, so won't get in your way of carpet cleaning.Likes rock and roll and reggae music. If you don't want him there, just pack him up and send back. If you do, you might buy a few bananas for him.

Everone needs a little break.

Love Always,
Bushycat
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Old 12-05-2009, 10:07 PM   #396
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tango View Post
Deleted Per Rhythmmm's request...
Hey Tango not personal sweetheart

its hard to get it all right


this i know well...

all we can do is our best

and try to see the bigger picture

keep scrubbing that carpet

all love to you dear Tango ...

ryhthmm ...
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Old 12-06-2009, 04:37 PM   #397
Tango
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Know what bushy... I have a company come out every April they take all the
Sun screens off All the windows on the whole house. Scrub them down; wash
All the windows on the outside... They don't do the inside at all... So, they
work for bananas... Cando, his name... You say... Honey, he will be ideal for
those little stupid windows above the kitchen cabinets and five on the eastside
of the house that light the dining room... Can he dust....? We just had one of
those Arizona dust storms... How that dust blows through the walls and thru
windows is beyond me... The back patio tile could use sweeping and all the
ceiling fans need dusting. I bet THAT would be a Party for the little dude.
Or, you could a dudette if Cando is tooo busy. Maybe, hang around til July,
So, mudra and Cando can get in monkey business together on Avalon.

I'll contact you in March to make arrangements on shipping...

If we play board games after the cleaning; will he let the old guy, WIN...

Well, sounds like he'll fit right it with the music... reggae you say... Boy,
I hope the little dude can handle the Tango... Too... Cause the Tango is what
Tango, Tango's to.

Trooly,


Tango

" OMG, I just wrote a ' Hunny Do List list ' for myself... Oh, WTF..."




Quote:
Originally Posted by bushycat View Post
Tango, I've got a trained monkey here who washes all the windows and thinks it's PLAY. I'll send him over for a few days to help out. He's got round trip tix. He's been trained not to chatter and his name is Cando. He never gets under-foot, so won't get in your way of carpet cleaning.Likes rock and roll and reggae music. If you don't want him there, just pack him up and send back. If you do, you might buy a few bananas for him.

Everone needs a little break.

Love Always,
Bushycat

Last edited by Tango; 12-06-2009 at 04:42 PM.
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Old 12-06-2009, 08:07 PM   #398
bushycat
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tango View Post
Know what bushy... I have a company come out every April they take all the
Sun screens off All the windows on the whole house. Scrub them down; wash
All the windows on the outside... They don't do the inside at all... So, they
work for bananas... Cando, his name... You say... Honey, he will be ideal for
those little stupid windows above the kitchen cabinets and five on the eastside
of the house that light the dining room... Can he dust....? We just had one of
those Arizona dust storms... How that dust blows through the walls and thru
windows is beyond me... The back patio tile could use sweeping and all the
ceiling fans need dusting. I bet THAT would be a Party for the little dude.
Or, you could a dudette if Cando is tooo busy. Maybe, hang around til July,
So, mudra and Cando can get in monkey business together on Avalon.

I'll contact you in March to make arrangements on shipping...

If we play board games after the cleaning; will he let the old guy, WIN...

Well, sounds like he'll fit right it with the music... reggae you say... Boy,
I hope the little dude can handle the Tango... Too... Cause the Tango is what
Tango, Tango's to.

Trooly,


Tango

" OMG, I just wrote a ' Hunny Do List list ' for myself... Oh, WTF..."
Okay, March it is. He won't bring much baggage. Loves to dust everywhere.The ceiling fans will always be clean and if you can't find him, look up there.He'll let you win the board games, but don't get into it with him with Poker. He's an ace and will take all your money.
He loves to be around the beautiful women, too, and will want to brush Mudra's long hair. Tell her to hide away her powder,though, because he thinks it's dust and will throw it out. Well, maybe he'll join in with Mudra @ Avalon, but he'll probably just hang out at the A. Lounge. Just wants to have FUN.
No cooking. You can try if you want, but last time I asked him to bake a cake, he threw out the sugar and flour because of....you guessed it..he thought it was dust.
Well, now you've got a plan, and all you have to do is look after those carpets. And will I miss Cando while he's overseas? The answer is yes and no.

With All Due Respect,
Bushycat
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Old 12-06-2009, 08:37 PM   #399
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire. "Damn, man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see-through nightie.

"She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, 'Do what ever you want.'"



"So here I am."

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Old 12-06-2009, 09:02 PM   #400
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Location: eating dessert in the desert of Arizona
Posts: 1,554
Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

I LOVE IT...... LOL A fishing we will go... That's a Man with a PLAN...LOL


Tango
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