Quotes and jokes!

[Swanny]

Chicken Surprise
> >
> > A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
> > The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
> >
> > Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
> > and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the
> > lid slams back down.
> >
> > 'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she
> > asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,
> > and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
> >
> > Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
> > and demands an explanation.
> >
> > 'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
> >
> > The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck

[Swanny]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.
If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her.
She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean.
In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

[Dantheman62]

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
>
> This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
> advantage of the
> government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
>
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
> documentary on how
> unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of
> wheels in less than
> 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's
> existing crew could
> only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of
> high tech equipment.
> It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
> Gordon's management team
> as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon
> got more than he
> bargained for!
>
>
>
> At the crew's first practice session, not only was the
> inexperienced crew
> able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
> 12 seconds they had
> changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the
> car to Dale Jr. for
> 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
> Gordon's wife in the
> shower.

[Brinty]

A competitive axeman was honing his skills down by the river when in one miss-placed swing, his axe twisted out of his grasp and fell into the river. As the axe swiftly sank to the riverbed, he dropped to his knees and with head in hands, prayed to God for assistance because he couldn't swim.

In an instant an angel appeared before him and asked how he could be of assistance. The axeman told how his axe had fallen into the river but he was unable to swim so he couldn't retrieve it himself. The angel promptly dived in and reappeared with a solid gold axe.
"Is this your axe?" the angel asked.
"No," replied the axeman. So the angel dived in again. This time he presented the axeman with a sold silver axe."
"No, that's not mine either," said the axeman. Diving in for a third time, the angel came up with the axeman's iron axe.
"Ah yes, that's mine," cried the axeman with glee.
"Well," said the angel, "because you have been so honest, you can keep all three axes.

Some months later the axeman and his wife were down by the river when his wife slipped and fell into the water.
On his knees he prayed to God for help and was gratified when the angel appeared in an instant.
"Please help me, my wife is in the river and neither of us can swim." The angel instantly dives in and resurfaces with Miss World.
"Is this your wife?"
The axeman hesitates for a split second then eagerly says, "Yes it is."
The angel was furious, "You lied! - now you will be punished."

The axeman quickly cried, "please forgive me, it was a misunderstanding. If I had told the truth and said 'no', you would have then brought me Miss America. If I had told the truth again and said 'no', then finally you would have come up with my wife and I would have said 'yes'. Then you would have given all three women to me. I am not a wealthy man, so I would not be able to look after all three as a man should. So you see, that's why I had to say 'yes'."

[Dantheman62]

Poor Rudolph!!!!!

[Brinty]

A chap goes into a pet shop a buys a pair of hamsters, takes them home and places them in a perfectly designed hutch. Well, hamsters being hamsters, in no time at all it seemed, there were dozens of them. He built a bigger hutch for them and they multiplied even further,

One morning he was devestated to find them all dead. He called the pet shop owner who told him that he would have to dispose of them and burn the hutch to prevent spreading whatever disease it was that had caused their deaths.

"How do I dispose of nearly 200 hamsters?" wailed the guy.
"Well," replied the pet shop owner, "put them through a mulcher, and mix in some leaf litter untill they are the colour and consistence of jam. When they get to that condition, you can spread them on your garden as they make a splendid mulch,"

A few months go by and one day the bloke bumps into the pet shop owner.
"Oh, I followed your advice and put the hamsters through the mulcher till they were just like jam and mulched my garden with them, and I have now got the most wonderful display of roses I've ever seen."

"Roses?" asked the puzzled pet shop owner, "you usually get tulips from hamster jam!"

[Dantheman62]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you . That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh..t!

[Dantheman62]

[Barron]

Speaking of the current economic situation......

it is a "recession" when people are losing their jobs.....

but when you lose your job, it is a "depression"!

[Dantheman62]

nevermind

[Swanny]

I'm very disappointed with the Woolies advent calender I bought this year,
all the windows are boarded up and there's nothing behind them.

[Dantheman62]

Welfare

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...You know,

I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have

a job."



The social worker behind the counter says, "Your

timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a

very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and

bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll

supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours,

meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas

holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above

the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year."



The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're Bull****tin' me!



The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

[Brinty]

In the 1850s goldfields of Australia's state of Victoria, the small shanty town of Ballarat became a thriving centre catering for all the hard working prospectors' needs. Two of these businesses were a fish and chip shop run by a Greek, Dimitri Popadopalous, and a chinese laundry run by Ah Pong.

Dimitri could speak English perfectly with not the slightest trace of an accent, while poor old Ah suffered with the oriental lisp that caused him to pronounce his 'r's as 'l's. Every Friday night Ah Pong worked late into the night laundering the prospectors clothes for the Saturday night dances, and used to buy a meal of fish and chips from Dimitri Popadopalous.

Every Friday night, just as Ah Pong was leaving Dimitri's shop with his newspaper wrapped meal under his arm, Dimitri would call out in his crowded shop, "Hey! Ah Pong, what day is it today?" And every Friday night Ah Pong would turn on his heel and say, "is Fliday." Of course the shop full of people would roar with laughter at this regular teasing.

Poor old Ah finally decided that he had had enough of being humiliated, and made his mind up to get rid of his lisp by dint of perseverance and constant practice. Hour after hour he would lisp, "Fliday, Fliday, Fliday." Eventally, after almost a week, he could pronounce 'Friday' perfectly.

Going to Dimitri's shop the next Friday, he orders his usual fish and chips. Once again, as he is about to walk out the door, Dimitri calls out, "Hey! Ah Pong, what day is it today?"

Ah Pong spins on his heels, thrusts out his chest and says in perfect English, "It's Friday." Then with his face red and distorted from pent up anger at his months of humiliation, he screams out, "YOU GLEEK PLICK!"

[Brinty]

Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
She also had a monkey.
And every time the lamb got out,
The monkey used to -
Chase it

Simple Simon met a pie-man,
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie-man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the pie-man to Simple Simon.
"Pies you fool!"

[Antaletriangle]

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

one is weaselly wecognisable,
the other isssstotally different! hic.

[Swanny]

Mary had a little lamb,
she also had a bear.
I often saw her little lamb,
but I never saw her bear.

[Antaletriangle]

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
Henny Youngman

[Brinty]

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider and sat down beside her.
What did Miss Muffet say?

"Pi$$ off hairy legs or I'll beat you to a pulp with my spoon!"

[Brinty]

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his phone. As he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear.

Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around, keen to know what they are celebrating.

Well" he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds."

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs. "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says, “you're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in two weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds".

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a L-O-N-G S-L-O-W swig from his foaming glass, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

[Dantheman62]

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
Did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?
Peter Piper said.......
"I'm not a pickled pepper picker,
I'm a pickled pepper picker's son,
I sit picking pickled peppers.
till the pickled pepper pickings done!"

[Brinty]

Good one Dan, it reminds me of a song sung by an English group, "The Wurzels."

The chorus goes . . . .

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant pluckers son,
And I'll sit here plucking pheasants,
Till the pheasant plucker comes.

Not the song to sing if you are half tight and there are ladies present.

[Swanny]

A man went to see a urologist and told him he was having a problem as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
was nothing he could actually do for him.



However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk.



The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear so, with the assurance
that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
todger sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my bum!'

[Brinty]

Then there was the one about the bloke who visited his doctor. He explained to the doctor that he was experiencing this jabbing pain which started in his groin, then shot up to his chest causing him difficulty in breathing.

The doctor examine the bloke and told him that there was only one treatment - castration!

In a fit of depression he considered suicide but was too much of a coward so agreed to have the operation.

A couple of weeks later he was still feeling depressed so decided to go shopping for a new suit. At the menswear store, an effeminate chap took his measurements then asked him what style of suit he wanted.

"I think I'd like a navy blue, double-breasted, pin stripe with a waistcoat and two pair of trousers."

"Alright, and which side do you dress to?"

The bloke looks puzzled, whereupon the tailor explains that what he wanted to know was, which side did he tuck his manhood, to the left or the right?

"I don't see that it makes any difference." the bloke says,

"Oh but it does," says the tailor. "Depending on the cut of the trousers, if you dress to the wrong side, you get this terrible jabbing pain that starts in your groin area and shoots up to your chest making it hard to breathe!"

[Orion Morris]

HAHA! Thanks for that one Dan!

Originally Posted by Dantheman62

NASCAR NEWS...Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew
>
> This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take
> advantage of the
> government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
>
>
> The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent
> documentary on how
> unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of
> wheels in less than
> 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's
> existing crew could
> only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of
> high tech equipment.
> It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by
> Gordon's management team
> as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon
> got more than he
> bargained for!
>
>
>
> At the crew's first practice session, not only was the
> inexperienced crew
> able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within
> 12 seconds they had
> changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN, and sold the
> car to Dale Jr. for
> 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff
> Gordon's wife in the
> shower.

[Dantheman62]

HaHaHa I must say to everyone who's posted in this thread that this is a great collection of quotes and jokes! LOL! For the most part, doh!