Quotes and jokes!

[Antaletriangle]

Yeah good one Dantheman!!

[Swanny]

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. !

(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.


The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses

150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their bums.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[capreycorn]

swanny, that was:

[Swanny]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon , Wiltshire. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (eg the abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O and U

Q. What is the fibula
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure
A. A Roman Emperor

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[HOPEFUL]

...

[capreycorn]

THAT WAS JUST



HILARIOUS

[capreycorn]

KEY-ANUS` REEFEr

[Swanny]

Glad you enjoyed them

Heres another one



QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME ****, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[THE eXchanger]

BOB 'n GEORGE at DE BEACH

Bob loved to frequent the Newfoundland beaches,
but, he was never able to
attract the girls.

He decided to ask his french friend George,
the lifeguard, who also had plenty of good-lookin' gals around
for some of his good old fashioned advice.

George said:
"It iS dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son.
Dey're years outta style.
Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos
about two sizes too small,
and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm telling ye, man...
ye 'll have all de babes
ye wants" !!!

The following weekend,
Bob hits the beach with his spanking new two sizes too small
ultra-tight Speedo,
and his secretly hidden,
FiST-SiZED POTATOE !!!.

Everybody on the beach seemed to be disgusted
as he walked by, they were actually covering their faces,
turning away, laughing, and,
looking quite sick !!!

Bob went back to George, the lifeguard,
and, he asked him,
'Did NOT seem to work,
What's wrong now' ???

'Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!' said George,
as, he was laughing ...
'The "POTATOE"
iT GOES in DE FRONT !!!

[THE eXchanger]

eXtreme funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GuMMfgWhm3g

[Orion Morris]

good ones!

[Swanny]

Tesco's and MFI have merged.....
I just bought a chicken and the legs fell off

[Antaletriangle]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ..

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.






------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crime

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a joke you have probably heard before, it is awful and apologies in advance

Crime figures are on the increase, police are arresting more and more people......


Yesterday two people were arrested, one for drinking battery acid and one for eating gun powder...






















One was charged and the other was let off!!!!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the Scottish crew!!

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around theworld.He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that hewould start by working his way across the USA from South to North.



On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for$10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America , Africa, England , Japan&NewZealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10,000 per call' sign under it..




The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone. He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered,there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line toHeaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.

[capreycorn]

and the remedy:

no , this is the remedy

the philosopher`s stone says:
no dick is as hard as life.


for economic crisis christmas:

more bucks more bang

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[Antaletriangle]

Around the block, against the clock:
tick tock, tick tock, tick tock;
running out of breath, running out of socks;
rubber on the road; flippety flop;
non-skid agility; chop chop,
no time to hang about!
Work out, health fanatic, work out.

The crack of dawn, lifting weights;
a tell-tale heart reverberates;
high in polyunsaturates,
low in polysaturates;
a Duke of Edinburgh's award awaits.
It's a man's life;
he's a health fanatic; so was his wife.

A one-man war against decay.
Enjoys himself the hard way;
allows himself a Mars a day.
"How old am I? What do I weigh?
Punch me there! Does it hurt? No way!"
Running on the spot, don't get too hot;
he's a health fanatic, that's why not.

Peanut power; stay ahead,
running through the traffic jam taking in the lead.
Hyperactivity keeps him out of bed.
Deep down he'd like to kick it in the head.
They'll regret it when they're dead:
there's more to life than fun;
he's a health fanatic; he's got to run.

Beans, greens and tangerines
and low cholesterol margarines;
his limbs are loose, his teeth are clean;
he's a high octane fresh-air fiend.
You've got to admit he's keen.
What can you do but be impressed;
he's a health fanatic. Give it a rest!

Shadow-boxing; punch the wall;
One-a-side football;
"What's the score?" "One all."
Could have been a copper; too small.
Could have been a jockey; too tall.
Knees up, knees up! Head the ball!
Nervous energy makes him tick;
he's a health fanatic. He makes you sick!

-- John Cooper Clarke

-- ---------------------------------------------
KUBLA KHAN.

(or, a Vision in a Dream, a Fragment)

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice!

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

[KassandraLoves]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!

[capreycorn]

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkT...eature=related
star trek monty python "camelot"

[Brinty]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby and met with President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said,
'You know I have just one question about what I have seen in America.'

President Bush said,
'Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.'

The Iranian whispered,
'My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek.'

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back,
'It's because it takes place in the future.'

[Antaletriangle]

Yes Brinty,very funny and a bit of a sore one there me-thinks!!lol.

The blondes-do you fall into this category Brinty??!!

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail"


*****************

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

******************

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

******************


Did you hear about the blonde that...
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

******************


Did you hear about the blonde that...
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

******************

Did you hear about the blonde that...
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

[Brinty]

A traffic cop sees a car puttering along on the highway at 22km/h. So he pulls the car over and as he approaches it, he notices that there's a blonde driving with four passengers. All the passengers were white as ghosts with wide open staring eyes.

"I wasn't speeding, officer," says the blonde."

"You weren't speeding, no, but we can't have cars traveling too much slower than the limit because they can be dangerous to other cars."

"But I was doing exactly the speed limit, 22, officer."

"22 isn't the speed limit," replied the cop, "that's the route number. But before I let you go, I have to ask: is everybody in this car okay? These ladies seem awfully shaken and haven't said a single word."

"Oh, they'll be right in a minute officer, we just got off route 190."

[Brinty]

A tough outback farmer told his grandson that if he wanted to live to a ripe old age, he should sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal each morning. The grandson did this religiously each morning for the rest of his life and lived to the ripe old age of 98.

When he died, he left 14 children, 35 grandchildren, 40 great-grandchildren . . . . and a 6m hole in the crematorium wall.

[Dantheman62]

Great set of jokes A and Brinty HaHaHa

[Brinty]

Two nuns were driving through Europe. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at traffic lights. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and blood dripping from his fangs, hisses at them.
"Quick, quick, what shall we do?" cries Sister Mary.
"Turn the windscreen wipers on. That should get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary turns the wipers on and they knock Dracula about a bit but he still manages to hang on.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Turn the windscreen washers on. I filled them with holy water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Mary turns the washers on. Dracula screams as the water burns him but he still hangs on.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary and she opens her window and shouts . . . . "GET THE F**K OFF OUR CAR!"