The need to constantly consume

[Luigis Mushroom]

This is not an advice topic, but a topic asking for advice. I spend a lot of time dishing out hypocritical advice, and it reminds me of a parable about Gandhi.

One day, a woman went to Gandhi and asked, "How do I get my son to stop eating sugar?" and Gandhi replied, "Come back in two weeks with your son." So two weeks later she comes back. Gandhi looks at her son and says, "Stop eating sugar." The woman looks puzzled and asks, "Why couldn't you have told him that two weeks ago?" and he says "Because I was still eating sugar.

I feel like I can talk a lot of **** about spiritual ascension, but I am still completely addicted to this 3 dimensional world. It has nothing to do with thinking it's meaningful, quite the opposite, I think the world around me is a lot less meaningful than anyone I've ever met. I'm pretty much on par with the main character from "The Stranger." I've had my heart broken by the only woman I could ever give it entirely to, and since then I've seen passed every ego feeding moment for the illusion that it is... but I can't STOP. I'm just waiting, always waiting until I can smoke another cigarette or pack another bowl, go to sleep and do it all over again. I cling to everything in the future, and think my way through the present with no focus and no awareness of the world around me.

I tell myself I'm fighting boredom, but I know the truth is I'm fighting fear. I can let my thoughts go and just be, if I want to, but I'm constantly asking myself, "Is this enough yet? How about now?" and I try to push myself but it just makes it harder to fight myself the next time. I hear that I'm not supposed to fight, but let it go with indifferent observance, but then I feel like I need to FIND this indifferent observance. I'm constantly seeking that thing that they say only comes when you stop searching for it. But to stop searching for it is just another action in an attempt to find it. I'm caught in the contradiction of desiring to have no desires.

So I'm looking for advice, practical advice to... in essence be happy.