Quotes and jokes!

[KassandraLoves]

mmmmm....burt muhfuggin reynolds. Thats the hotness right thurr. Check THIS one out too!!!!

I mean, Who DOESNT love puppies hangin out on their naked man parts!?!!?

[Antaletriangle]

The meeting of the ways.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The B5056 walks into a bar and orders a beer and sits down alone,ten minutes later the A34 walks in and the B road pretends he doesn't see him a little afraid of a large A road walking in.
After 10 mins the A road and B road are laughing and joking and all tensions are eased-The A34 goes to the bar gets a round in and they continue their joking.
10 mins. later the M6 walks in,two hard shoulders and everything falls silent,M6 orders a whiskey and after feeling a little lonely,notices the two roads sitting on the other side of the boozer trying to avoid him.
M6 sidles over and asks to join them,at first it's all a bit of a nervous silence scenario,then after a few mins the M6 cracks a joke and they all settle down to share jokes about road works and suchlike.
After getting the round in the M6 drops the beers on the table and they resume their social time together.
The next minute the door swings open and a red piece of tarmac walks in-the A and b roead are laughing their heads off whilst the M6 shouts out "Be quiet!!".
The A and B road haven't a clue why the M6 is so distressed-he's the big guy;no-one bother the M6?!
the M6 says "Don't look over at him,we don't want him over here with us!"
"Why do you say that M6?".
The M6 replies, "that guys nuts,he's a cycle path!"
Lol.

[Oneness]

Well atleast it's a wee hair sexier than this guy...

Sweet Jesus.

[Oneness]

People are so awesome! What would we do with out each other?

[Oneness]

Showin the Love....

[Antaletriangle]

That's a great sense of humour!!Oneness.

[Oneness]

Originally Posted by Antaletriangle

That's a great sense of humour!!Oneness.

Thanks Anta...

You have no idea! I guess I see the connection in all of us. One. ..and appreciate every single individual one of us.

[Oneness]

Earth changes....

[Swanny]

[Oneness]

Lol!

[Antaletriangle]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

what do these pakistani women know about Hitler?!? just cosplay?

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[raulduke]

Originally Posted by capreycorn

Hilarious. I love the Onion.

One of my old roommates had this clipping on his door for the entire semester, we all took to calling him "Gen. Bonkers".

I used to work at a pizza place where I tacked this up in the back.





"Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High"

[Swanny]

Glad you enjoyed them

Heres another one



QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!



Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME ****, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[Antaletriangle]

Around the block, against the clock:
tick tock, tick tock, tick tock;
running out of breath, running out of socks;
rubber on the road; flippety flop;
non-skid agility; chop chop,
no time to hang about!
Work out, health fanatic, work out.

The crack of dawn, lifting weights;
a tell-tale heart reverberates;
high in polyunsaturates,
low in polysaturates;
a Duke of Edinburgh's award awaits.
It's a man's life;
he's a health fanatic; so was his wife.

A one-man war against decay.
Enjoys himself the hard way;
allows himself a Mars a day.
"How old am I? What do I weigh?
Punch me there! Does it hurt? No way!"
Running on the spot, don't get too hot;
he's a health fanatic, that's why not.

Peanut power; stay ahead,
running through the traffic jam taking in the lead.
Hyperactivity keeps him out of bed.
Deep down he'd like to kick it in the head.
They'll regret it when they're dead:
there's more to life than fun;
he's a health fanatic; he's got to run.

Beans, greens and tangerines
and low cholesterol margarines;
his limbs are loose, his teeth are clean;
he's a high octane fresh-air fiend.
You've got to admit he's keen.
What can you do but be impressed;
he's a health fanatic. Give it a rest!

Shadow-boxing; punch the wall;
One-a-side football;
"What's the score?" "One all."
Could have been a copper; too small.
Could have been a jockey; too tall.
Knees up, knees up! Head the ball!
Nervous energy makes him tick;
he's a health fanatic. He makes you sick!

-- John Cooper Clarke

-- ---------------------------------------------
KUBLA KHAN.

(or, a Vision in a Dream, a Fragment)

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.
So twice five miles of fertile ground
With walls and towers were girdled round:
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills,
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree;
And here were forests ancient as the hills,
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery.

But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover!
A savage place! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon lover!
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced:
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail:
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean:
And 'mid this tumult Kubla heard from far
Ancestral voices prophesying war!

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;
Where was heard the mingled measure
From the fountain and the caves.
It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure dome with caves of ice!

A damsel with a dulcimer
In a vision once I saw:
It was an Abyssinian maid,
And on her dulcimer she played,
Singing of Mount Abora.
Could I revive within me
Her symphony and song,
To such a deep delight 'twould win me,
That with music loud and long,
I would build that dome in air,
That sunny dome! those caves of ice!
And all who heard should see them there,
And all should cry, Beware! Beware!
His flashing eyes, his floating hair!
Weave a circle round him thrice,
And close your eyes with holy dread,
For he on honey-dew hath fed,
And drunk the milk of Paradise.

-- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

[KassandraLoves]

Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!

[capreycorn]

http://de.youtube.com/watch?v=luVjkT...eature=related
star trek monty python "camelot"