Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i beg...

[rhythm]

ok i warned you ..

i got this one for yer ...
*****************

You have to stay inshape

my grandmother she started walking

five miles a day .. when she was 60

She is 97 now

and we dont know where the hell she is ...

[Brinty]

I wonder if this could be the same old lady - she went out walking on the freeway and has never been seen since. All that they found was her shopping bag and glasses.

They don't know whether a radiator or a carburetor.

[Brinty]

A traveling salesman sits drinking in a bar. He hears a soft voice say, "nice tie." He looks up, but doesn't see anyone.

A few seconds later he hears, "nice shirt." Once again he looks around but still can't see anyone.

When he hears, "nice jacket." he calls the barman over and says, "Look, I don't want you to think I'm crazy but I keep hearing voices commenting on my clothing. But every time I look around, there's nobody there.

The barman said, "Oh, that'll be the peanuts, they're complimentary."

[artvision]

Well, I do not know if you like french jokes, nor french comedian, but this one I laughed with tears (please excuse me if it has been posted before), at least has something to do with the things are bugging us from few years ago.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9t...gical-pass_fun

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9t...hasseurs-a_fun

[Brinty]

I called the Swine Flu hotline - all I got was crackling

I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.

Another is that you get the trotts.

The doctor asked me how long I'd had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Apparently my wife's got Swine Flu - I think she's just telling porkies!

The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of 'oinkment'.


IF YOU GET AN EMAIL ABOUT SWINE FLU DELETE IT AS IT'S ONLY SPAM.

[day]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

[day]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'

[Carmen]

Very funny, Artvision, even with sub-titles

[waitinginthewings]

Day: that one cracked me up......a good belly laugh for sure. TKS

[JesterTerrestrial]

Ok... This is for sure to make u laugh!
I truly mean the best for everyone but when I heard this in the news and...

I just had to wonder if his heart seized up?! Too many chemicals clog his arteries?!

Ah well, Rust in Peace!

Main Force Behind WD-40, Dies at 84
http://www.cnbc.com/id/32087984

[QUOTE]Material Safety Data Sheet
http://www.wd40.com/files/pdf/msds-wd494716385.pdf[/QUOTE]

[JesterTerrestrial]

well as i say i really wish the best for everyone...

I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers!


Alright enough of the twisted humor how about some borg jokes?


Borg Jokes are Irrelevant!

[JesterTerrestrial]

Q. Why did the Borg cross the road?
A. To assimilate the other side.

Q: What does a depressed Borg say?
A: Everything's NOT futile.

Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.

Borg Answering Machine

1. WE ARE BORG.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now.
So leave a message at the tone and we'll assimilate you later.

Borgasm: The ecstasy of being assimilated.

I am DOS of Borg! Prepare... oops, out of memory!

Letterman of Borg - "Ok, Top 10 reasons why resistance is futile:"

[rhythm]

hey guys thanks for the new

funnis ..... was nice to find

on my return

from Avebury ....

dont worry be happy ..

try to find some more chuckles for yer

[day]

[day]

[day]

Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:




1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.



2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.



3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.



4. She grew on him like she was a colon y of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.



5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.



6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.



7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.



8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.



9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.



10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.



11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.



12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.



13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like mag gots when you fry them in hot grease.



14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.



15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.



16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.



17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .



18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.



19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.



20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.



21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.



22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.



23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.



24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around with power tools.



25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

[day]

AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

February 1st, 2008 | Patriot post



Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

“If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.”
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself…
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don’t make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
-P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

[Swanny]

[rhythm]

Originally Posted by Swanny

That is soooooooooo funny

[day]

[morguana]

Originally Posted by rhythm

That is soooooooooo funny

ooooopppppsss fell for it too

[day]

Originally Posted by rhythm

That is soooooooooo funny

[day]

behind locked doors at NASA.....

[day]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over.'

[day]

ZEN of SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand milesbegins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

15. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.