Quotes and jokes!

[Dantheman62]

HaHa

[Brinty]

Two eggs in a carton. A boy egg, and a girl egg. The girl egg sidles up to the boy egg and asks, "can we be friends?"
"Okay," answered the boy egg.
"Can we be close friends?" she asks.
"Yes, That'll be okay."
"I mean, can we be really close friends?"
"Well, yes." replies the boy egg.
" No," says the girl egg as she moves in even closer to the boy egg. "I mean really, really, close friends."
The boy egg swallows and replies in a shaky voice, "Uhm, y-yes, We can be close friends."
The girl egg moves in until she makes bodily contact and starts to take her shell off.
The boy egg suddenly loses his nerve and rolls away shouting , "No, no, please, no."
The girl egg is more that a little put out at this reaction and wants to know what is wrong.
"Well," says the boy egg, "if you do that, take your shell off, I'll go hard. And every time I go hard, someone bashes me over the head with a spoon and sprinkles salt and pepper on me then eats me."

[Brinty]

The youngest member of a football team is about to get married. In a private meeting with the team coach, he admits that he is still a virgin and has no idea how to go about consummating his upcoming marriage. The coach, a fatherly figure to the team members says, "well son, I can only plant a suggestion in your mind. Nature has a way of taking control in moments like this, but to get you started, when you get into bed on your wedding night, place your hand on your wife's stomach and gently rubbing it say, 'I love you darling.' You'll find that nature will carry on from there."

So, on their wedding night the young couple climb into bed. The new husband places his hand on his wife's stomach and in a voice trembling with a mixture of apprehension and desire, manages to say in a falsetto, "I love you darling."

His wife snuggles up to him and says, "lower darling, lower." So, taking a big breath and clearing his throat, he says in a deep bass voice, "I love you darling."

[peaceandlove]

A good errrrrrr vegetarian joke?

What is the similarity between soybean and a dildo?

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They're both meat substitutes.

[Brinty]

Irish Boy's Confession

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, Dicky?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Brown?”
“I'll never tell.”
“Was it Margaret Doyle?”
“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Anne O' Neil?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”
“Four months holiday and five good leads'.

[piers2210]

The First of April...so lets not be too serious with all this G20 stuff....here's a couple for you:

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns round and says "Don't worry, that was an insect". To which her son replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that".....

++++++++

I was walking in a cemetry this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning". He replied "No, just having a sh*t"......

++++++++

Have a great day!

[Brinty]

Pat was a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He'd won $500,000 and with only one lifeline left - phone a friend - he was having a crack at the final question which was:

Which of these birds does not build its own nest?
A - sparrow
B - thrush
C - cuckoo
D - starling

Pat frowns, scratches his head and decides to phone a friend. Mike answers the phone and Pat repeats the question.

"Oh that's easy, its the cuckoo," says Mike.

Pat hangs the phone up and tells the show's presenter that he'll go with cuckoo.

There is a long pause and then the presenter screams , "Pat, you have just won $1,000,000! Congratulations!

The next day, Pat takes his friend Mike to the pub for drinks and a meal. "Tell me Mike, how did you know it was a cuckoo?"

"Well," says Mike, "it was easy. Everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."

[Luminari]

[Brinty]

I warn you, this one will spoil your Easter


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It said:
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[Luminari]

Originally Posted by Brinty

I warn you, this one will spoil your Easter

[burgundia]

two flies come to a restaurant. a waiter approaches them and asks what they want to order.
" a piece of s.....t for me please" one fly says.
"for me also a piece of s...t, but with onion" says the other.

"Why did you order yours with onion?" the first one asks - "You'll have a bad breath".

[burgundia]

Why don't women have enough time during the day to finish all their work?






Because they sleep at night so the workload gets bigger.

[burgundia]

A man comes to the doctor and says; "I have had a very bad memory".
Doctor: "How long?"
Man: "How long what?"

[Swanny]

Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs as they are all going to be cured anyway

I think I've got swine flu, I'm coming out in rashers



Just been on the phone to the NHS about swine flu but all I'm getting is crackling



Thomas cook are doing cheap deals to Mexico
£99 one way. Now there's an offer not to be sneezed at

[Swanny]

Dont do this

[Brinty]

Originally Posted by Swanny

Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs as they are all going to be cured anyway

I think I've got swine flu, I'm coming out in rashers



Just been on the phone to the NHS about swine flu but all I'm getting is crackling



Thomas cook are doing cheap deals to Mexico
£99 one way. Now there's an offer not to be sneezed at

In the words of Al Jolson's song . . . .

Swanny, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old Swanny.

[Swanny]

Opps double post

[Jacqui D]

Ha Ha! Swanny, like the ad, there are so many jokes going around about this pandemic at the moment.

[Brinty]

Having been raised on Winnie The Pooh as a kid Swanny, I loved the one about Pooh and Piglet. I laughed so hard I almost didn't make it to the loo.

[Dantheman62]

Funny Swanny!!
Brinty it reminds me of a Stephen Foster song............
"Way down upon the suwanee river,far, far away"

[Brinty]

The favorite "cure" for a cold when I was a youngster was having my chest rubbed with camphorated oil. Its fumes would make your eyes water and catch in your throat - still, it seemed to work.

Maybe for pigs, the cure would be to rub in plenty of oinkment.

[judykott]

The "Oinkment" they want us to use for the "cure"








[/QUOTE]

[Dantheman62]

[Brinty]

Seeing is believing - or not!

http://www.gvsmedia.com/video-2/ao-9.../Funny-Animals

[Dantheman62]

That's a great video! Well put together and funny! Some of those are just so-so, but that's a good one!