Quotes and jokes!

[THE eXchanger]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxcillin and advil is also called ibuprofen.

The fda has been looking for a generic name for viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts,
it recently announced that it has settled on the name mycoxafloppin
, mydixadrupin,
mydixarizin,
dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

Pfizer corp. Announced today
that viagra will soon be available in liquid form,
and will be marketed by pepsi cola
as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man
to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails' , 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of; mount & do.

Thought for the day;
there is more money being spent on breast implants
and viagra today than on alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2040
there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

If you don't send this to five old friends right away
there will be five fewer people laughing in the world.

Ta ta for now.

[Dantheman62]

Now that's funny eXchanger! HaHa

[Swanny]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:



1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was ******.

5.. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[Swanny]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.


Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.


"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.


Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."


He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."


He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.


"Now take off my skirt."


He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.


"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

[Dantheman62]

HaHa

[Brinty]

Two eggs in a carton. A boy egg, and a girl egg. The girl egg sidles up to the boy egg and asks, "can we be friends?"
"Okay," answered the boy egg.
"Can we be close friends?" she asks.
"Yes, That'll be okay."
"I mean, can we be really close friends?"
"Well, yes." replies the boy egg.
" No," says the girl egg as she moves in even closer to the boy egg. "I mean really, really, close friends."
The boy egg swallows and replies in a shaky voice, "Uhm, y-yes, We can be close friends."
The girl egg moves in until she makes bodily contact and starts to take her shell off.
The boy egg suddenly loses his nerve and rolls away shouting , "No, no, please, no."
The girl egg is more that a little put out at this reaction and wants to know what is wrong.
"Well," says the boy egg, "if you do that, take your shell off, I'll go hard. And every time I go hard, someone bashes me over the head with a spoon and sprinkles salt and pepper on me then eats me."

[Brinty]

The youngest member of a football team is about to get married. In a private meeting with the team coach, he admits that he is still a virgin and has no idea how to go about consummating his upcoming marriage. The coach, a fatherly figure to the team members says, "well son, I can only plant a suggestion in your mind. Nature has a way of taking control in moments like this, but to get you started, when you get into bed on your wedding night, place your hand on your wife's stomach and gently rubbing it say, 'I love you darling.' You'll find that nature will carry on from there."

So, on their wedding night the young couple climb into bed. The new husband places his hand on his wife's stomach and in a voice trembling with a mixture of apprehension and desire, manages to say in a falsetto, "I love you darling."

His wife snuggles up to him and says, "lower darling, lower." So, taking a big breath and clearing his throat, he says in a deep bass voice, "I love you darling."

[peaceandlove]

A good errrrrrr vegetarian joke?

What is the similarity between soybean and a dildo?

***************


*************


***********


*********


*******


*****


***




They're both meat substitutes.

[Brinty]

Irish Boy's Confession

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, Dicky?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the girl you were with?”
“I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Brown?”
“I'll never tell.”
“Was it Margaret Doyle?”
“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Anne O' Neil?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Catherine O' Tool, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for four months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”
“Four months holiday and five good leads'.

[piers2210]

The First of April...so lets not be too serious with all this G20 stuff....here's a couple for you:

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns round and says "Don't worry, that was an insect". To which her son replies "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that".....

++++++++

I was walking in a cemetry this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning". He replied "No, just having a sh*t"......

++++++++

Have a great day!

[Brinty]

Pat was a contestant on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He'd won $500,000 and with only one lifeline left - phone a friend - he was having a crack at the final question which was:

Which of these birds does not build its own nest?
A - sparrow
B - thrush
C - cuckoo
D - starling

Pat frowns, scratches his head and decides to phone a friend. Mike answers the phone and Pat repeats the question.

"Oh that's easy, its the cuckoo," says Mike.

Pat hangs the phone up and tells the show's presenter that he'll go with cuckoo.

There is a long pause and then the presenter screams , "Pat, you have just won $1,000,000! Congratulations!

The next day, Pat takes his friend Mike to the pub for drinks and a meal. "Tell me Mike, how did you know it was a cuckoo?"

"Well," says Mike, "it was easy. Everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."

[Luminari]

[Brinty]

I warn you, this one will spoil your Easter


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It said:
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[Luminari]

Originally Posted by Brinty

I warn you, this one will spoil your Easter

[burgundia]

two flies come to a restaurant. a waiter approaches them and asks what they want to order.
" a piece of s.....t for me please" one fly says.
"for me also a piece of s...t, but with onion" says the other.

"Why did you order yours with onion?" the first one asks - "You'll have a bad breath".

[Swanny]

Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs as they are all going to be cured anyway

I think I've got swine flu, I'm coming out in rashers



Just been on the phone to the NHS about swine flu but all I'm getting is crackling



Thomas cook are doing cheap deals to Mexico
£99 one way. Now there's an offer not to be sneezed at

[Swanny]

Dont do this

[Brinty]

Originally Posted by Swanny

Swine flu is not a problem for the pigs as they are all going to be cured anyway

I think I've got swine flu, I'm coming out in rashers



Just been on the phone to the NHS about swine flu but all I'm getting is crackling



Thomas cook are doing cheap deals to Mexico
£99 one way. Now there's an offer not to be sneezed at

In the words of Al Jolson's song . . . .

Swanny, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old Swanny.

[Swanny]

Opps double post

[Jacqui D]

Ha Ha! Swanny, like the ad, there are so many jokes going around about this pandemic at the moment.

[Brinty]

Having been raised on Winnie The Pooh as a kid Swanny, I loved the one about Pooh and Piglet. I laughed so hard I almost didn't make it to the loo.

[Dantheman62]

Funny Swanny!!
Brinty it reminds me of a Stephen Foster song............
"Way down upon the suwanee river,far, far away"

[Swanny]

Maximum media paranoia formula

This one is best

[THE eXchanger]

Kids Are Quick
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________ _________ _________ ______

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: ; You told me to do it without using tables.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: ; Mayb e it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
____________ _________ _________ ____

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
____________ _________ _________ _________ ___

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
____________ _________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
____________ _________ _________ __

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
____________ _________ _________ ________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
____________ _________ _________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
____________ _________ _________ _____

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
____________ _________ _________ ____





PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH!

love, susan
the eXchanger

Will it to be, so, it will be
Simply susan aka White lotus star
The eXchanger

LAUGHTER IS THE SOUL'S MEDICINE!!

[Brinty]

Six year old Tommy had gone to the shopping mall with his grandad. After an hour he realised they had got separated in the crowd. Now Tommy had always been told by his parents that if he ever got lost, or got into trouble of some sort, he should go and find a policeman. So that was what Tommy did.

"Please officer, I've lost my grandad in the crowd."
"Okay sonny, what's he like?"
Tommy thought for a few seconds then replied, "Johnny Walker Black Label, and ladies with big tits."