[whitecrow]

Originally Posted by shanonatime

...meanwhile im here in philly mostly alone and poor and am starting to freak out- ...i've been in this position before but this time it feels much worse....i may be hurting. but that doesn't make me crazy.
nite.

Nope...sure doesn't mean you're crazy. I don't know if I can soothe your heart or not. But you are not the first to go through fear, changes, poverty, confusion. For many, this would describe part of the process they went through when the quickening within their spirit finally broke through the boundaries of their assumed realities...don't assume because you feel alone that you actually are alone.

Many have experienced a real death and rebirth in their lives. For every one it has been agony, and it has passed and been worth it in the end...rebirth is a gift.

You mentioned being in this position before, and that your family thinks you have mental problems. I ought to mention that there are certain conditions that can be effectively addressed with pharmaceuticals. Before I went that route, I think I'd explore the OTC brain chemicals available such as 5-HTP, GABA (I love that stuff) and Theamine. I'm not an authority on this stuff. If you're bipolar for instance, there really are meds that can help. I don't know you, so I don't know if any of this is relevant. Forgive me if it is not.

You mentioned facing yourself. Long before you do, accept yourself. Resolve to love yourself, and you will in time find that you like yourself, as well. This will be a process...not an event. Breathe Cosmic Love - it's out there - reach for it with your heart.

Do you have baggage? If so, there is nothing preventing you from setting it down alongside life's road and simply walking away. Most people are not willing to do so, no matter how much they may say they want to. "It's MY baggage," they snarl, and they lug it through life it until their spirits are depleted and their bodies exhausted. It's sad, and it happens every day.

But you, if you choose, can set down those duffels and trunks full of junk and decay - and walk away free. Ask me how I know. From a position of despair, which is lack of hope, what I'm saying can sound like pie in the sky. But if I haven't walked a block in your shoes, I've walked a grim mile or two of my own, and I'm telling you the truth. I have no agenda.

I hope you can get out to the country, maybe a park, somewhere you can just be in a slow dance with nature...find some place where you can relax and be safe. If you should find yourself back in California, I hope that you can reconcile with your family.