[Luigis Mushroom]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

My journey exists beyond thoughts right now, they can do absolutely nothing for me but bring me down. I feel like I was sold a ticket to heaven but lost it on the way, and I understand this is just a process of spiritual ascension, but it doesn't make it any easier. No attempts to rationalize this experience do me any good, I simply need to "ascend."

The timing argues this is what the process is for, after all I received a bulk of spiritual information from different sources that managed to confirm itself so that for once I actually understood what existence is beyond our ordinary perception. My mind was always too skeptical to buy any of it before, but the way it was presented was so synchronistic. I learned about hermetic, kaballic, masonic and rosicrucian philosophy, and the ancient Mysteries of Polytheistic civilizations. Then, I learned about Buddhism, and everything just went *click*

And 6 months after this click, I fall harder than I ever have in my life. To say fall is an understatement, I don't quite know how to describe it. She has issues, though, and I was basically asking her to face all her fears and relationship problems to be with me, it was just the nature of the connection we had. She couldn't do it, and so here I am, trying to accept reality. I know things could get better, but the possibility of loss is just as real as loss and in the end it's irrelevant if things could get better, this is a process of spiritual ascension. It's become clear this whole ordeal has been over that.

What I'm saying though is that it's not like my heart was broken and now I want to learn about spirituality. I've been interested in spirituality for my entire life, only now that I'm going through the possibility of losing everything I care about does it seem so important. It's like I can either let myself be controlled by my negative thoughts, or do otherwise but my whole strategy is based off negative thinking. I'm stuck on the idea I'll get what I want if I stop hunting it, so as soon as I see myself letting go a little bit, I suddenly think everything's about to magically work out and I cling again. Perhaps it is just a chakra blockage. I guess maybe it feels like ascension would be robbed if I didn't get to experience it with this other person.