Quotes and jokes!

[Antaletriangle]

Please don't take this in a racist way-it's an old tug o war with the English and the French-please take it light heartedly!

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You English folk eat the whole bread??'

Englishman (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??'

Englishman: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England.'

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'

[Antaletriangle]

The Ark 2008

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Could be true ?

In the year 2008 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England, and said:

'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his garden, but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.

We had to then go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision.

Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The British government beat me to it.'



__________________

[Antaletriangle]

Understanding Politics

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A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics
and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we
call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will
call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is s******g the
Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The
People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.

[Antaletriangle]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and
got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was
excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walks into a bar. The
bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start
anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a
salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a
bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt
under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the
road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to
the other: "Does this taste funny to
you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green
Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones
Syndrome."
"Is it
common?"
"... Well, It's Not Unusual ...


The Castaway

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A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his
life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. About four months later, he is lying on the beach
one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'

She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'

'Amazing,' he says. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'

'But, where did you get the tools?'

'Oh, that wasn't a problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.'

The guy is stunned.

'Let's row over to my place,' she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says
casually "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed. 'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?'

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman
announces 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There' s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.'

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to
a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?'

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes ..

He swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bl...y hell, you haven't got Sky Sports as well?'

[capreycorn]

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get use to the idea.

Robert Heinlein (1907 - 1988)


All this health and safety talk is just killing me.

Jeremy Clarkson


Children aren`t happy without something to ignore, and that`s what parents were created for.

Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971)


I can calculate the motion of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.

Sir Isaac Newton


The death of British forces in the Falklands War was roughly the same as it was on the roads in Britain over the same period. Which is the more wasteful, the less worthwhile? How much sense does that make?

Sandy Woodward


don`t drink and drive then:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIWB-Neyj-c

otherwise:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slOY4cSVfy8

With all the fear eminating from the Obama election I thought this would lighten the mood of all:

http://www.comedycentral.com/colbert...isodeId=209851

[371]

"Politics is the world's second oldest profession, and it bears a striking resemblence to the first"- Ronald Reagan

[capreycorn]

the spirit of christmas
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghIaSjzYVMQ

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[KassandraLoves]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[371]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[Orion Morris]

I hate all these know it alls... who think they know more than me!

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

will the world be less fun without good ole george..?

[371]

[Antaletriangle]

Yeah,truly it's a strange ol' world! One for our Irish brothers and sisiters:


Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods.



All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering,



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!



He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,.



'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.



The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'



Immediately, there was the answer.



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave.



As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking,



'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.



There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might



'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'



With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.





The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............










You'll like this


























NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

[capreycorn]

CAN U SEE JESUS?

[Antaletriangle]

Yeah it's wild ain't it! a dog/cat's bottom also?!

[capreycorn]

CAN U SEE JESUS?

[Antaletriangle]

Pindar in full flow!


The parrot


A young man named John received a parrot, named 'Chief', as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude and obnoxious.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words,playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe Imay have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,











'May I ask what the turkey did?'