Quotes and jokes!

[Dantheman62]

Three women, two younger and one senior
citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there’s a beeping
sound. One of the young women pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.


The other looks at her questioningly, “that was my pager” she said,
“I have a microchip under the skin of my arm”.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her
palm to her ear, when she finished she explained. “That was my mobile
phone, I have a microchip in my hand”.

The older woman felt very low
tech, not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as
impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
When she returned a piece of toilet paper was hanging from her rear
end.

The other two women raised their eyebrows and stared embarrassingly at
her.


The older woman without missing a beat finally said……..”Well, will
you look at that – I’m getting a FAX!!!!”

[Brinty]

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End On their way to Kakadu. He was describing the abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air and under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

"Jacky," said the tour guide, "what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"

The aborigine replied, "Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge. "Goddammit man, how do you know all that?" asked one.

The Aborigine replied, "I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour ago!"

[JesterTerrestrial]

[Swanny]

BOB & THE BLONDE





Bob, a handsome chap, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.



The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.



The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"



Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."



The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."



Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, "You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.



The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."



Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."



The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."



Bob took the money...

[chitty]

Don't sweat the petty things.
& Don't pet the sweaty things.

[burgundia]

-Do you speak english ?
-Yes!
-Name?
-Abdul al-Rhazib.
-Sex?
-Three to five times a week.
-No, no! I mean male or female?
-Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
-Holy cow!
-Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
-But isn't that hostile?
-Horse style, doggy style, any style!
-Oh dear!
-No, no! Deer run too fast...

[Dantheman62]

Now I get it!!

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word 'service'.

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

State, City & County Public 'Service'



This is not what I thought 'service' meant. But today, I overheard two

farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service'

a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those

'service' agencies are doing to us. I hope you are as enlightened as I am.

[246]

.

[246]

Want to hear a dirty joke? OK, imagine "Gabriela's Enema" as a porn movie. That was a Mad Magazine cartoon I read in a book when I was 7 years old. "Mommy, What's an enema?" "Oh, Uh, nothing dear you'll find out when you're older..."

[Swanny]

Maryhill Hurricane Appeal - Please give generously!


Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"

The hurricane decimated the area, causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.

Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street. Rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.

Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .

One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5, said, "It gie'd me a pure fright, so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade, slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching 'Trisha' the next morning, so ah wiz".

Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said, "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser."

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of cheese toasties to the area to help stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.

Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were..

A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added, "There has been a pure Blitz spirit: everybody's been pure blitzed".

Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing most sought after includes Fila or Burberry baseball caps, hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), shellsuits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include Microwave chips, Gregg's pies , Sugar Puffs, tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado, and glue or hairspray.

Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

*Breaking News: Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble. Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco-pop. When asked where she was bleeding from, she replied, " Craigmont Avenue, but whit's it got to dae wi' you, ya fudd?"

[Swanny]

Remeber when cars used to be simple?
This is a bit English so some of you might struggle with it

Dear 'just about every single mainstream Car Manufacturer I can think of' ;

Dear Sir / Madam / Hemaphrodte (note to self : spellcheck that), can you please sod off with airbags, I never asked for them, and I've never had to use one. Having a knobbly Momo 'wheel makes me feel mortal and therefore less inclined to crash. I've never had to use one so they're almost certainly pointless, so sod off with them and save some production costs and weight in the proccess. And while you're at it, bin your ABS/ESP/EBD and all that other safety-related acronym guff, no fecker asked for it, but you fit it to everything anyway. It is the difference between a bareback hump with a leggy blonde and doing it with a dinnerlady equipped with a femidom. You'll be needing a skip to get rid of all this cack, so chuck in cruise control as no-one has ever used it in the UK before due to congestion caused by people trying to interface their bluetooth phone to your fecking useless stereos, sod off with all that while your there please, it doesn't work and I never asked for it. That marketing company that suggested drivers need a trillion cubbyholes everywhere ? The only people who talk to them are bored grannies and shoplifting housewives who don't know 'owt about cars and don't buy them. We don't need cubbyholes, most trousers come fully equipped with pockets now, rendering cubbyholes useless, so sod off with them please. NCAP safety stuff, no-one cares, really, and Pedestrian NCAP ? Sod right off with that ! I'm not chosing a car based on its ablity to protect someone stupid enough to walk in front of my car, Darwinism and all that, drunken students deserve a good mowing down at 2am, mow some feckin' sense into 'em I say ! Eco, this is also a load of ***cing nonsense, if they want eco, tell em to catch the bus. I don't want eco, I want performance ! I want lots and lots of cylinders and lots and lots of cc's of lovely ooomph ! I don't need factory fit satnav at ten times the price of a decent TomTom that I can use in other cars, heated seats and electric roofs on cabrios. This is all rubbish and you can sod off with it. Aircon, used twice a year if we're lucky, weighs a lot, costs a lot, so bin it. Bring back sunroofs, and not a cost-delete-factory-additional-thats-another-£1500-Mr-Duisberg-Please-can-you-ask-your-kids-not-to-touch-that-please-its-very-expensive jobby either. Fag lighters, bin 'em, CD changers also redundant. If you want to listen to 6 CDs one after another maybe you should go to a bloody disco, so sod off with that too. I never asked for a Catalclysmic converter or whatever it is called, they're expensive when they break and soak up too much go. Its all bloody rubbish and i hate it all so sod off with it. Auto wipers ? Sod off. Auto lights ? Sod right off, I don't want people thinking I'm flashing them when they come on because a small dark cloud has wafted past. Or driven through the West Midlands, which is much the same. Auto box ? Sod off to Corby ! On a Friday night !!! I want to drive, not listen to some mechnical moo-ing while a computer decides what gear I should be in. I'll pick thank you, I know where the torque is. Launch control ? Sod off, I'll take care of that thanks, with the 'go' pedal. Headlight wash-wipe ? Who asked for that ? Who ? A twwat who doesn't own a sponge, thats who. I also request that you publicy crucify the berk who created all those niches we never needed but who thought they knew better. Display their corpse as a warning to others. Don't muck about, you know what I mean, SUV, SAV, MPV, did you think we'd buy these as well as real cars ? We didn't, did we ? Shi tty cars with stupid ride height and glued on plastic. Sod off with all that. You can make do with saloon, estate, coupe, cabrio, job done so sod off. And one for good luck - sod off.

Yours (etc)

Rich Dusiberg




bit further down the thread.....

Oh yeah ! Run-flats, please sod off with those, worse ride and more expensive to replace than normal tyres, and sod off with your foam-in-a-can tyre repair kits, I would like to stick one up the nose of the guy who invented that, and sod off with that crappy lever system to adjust seat backs, we want a simply wheel for adjustment, not a bit of airfix quality plastic that makes the whole seat back flap about. Sod off with manuals/labels in 12 languages because you're too feckin' tight to make different manuals/labels for each market. Sod off with your scrappage scheme, sod off with your 'limited edition' models, which are limited only by the amount of gullible twunts who'll buy the base model because it has some natty badges and the word 'limited edition' associated with it. Sod off with anti-trap windows because they stick when the runners get dirty, let a few kids lose their fingers instead, that'll teach 'em. Towing eyes that are hidden, they can sod off, and anything ANYTHING with a plastic grill that is silver coloured to make it look like metal, despite having the structural integrity of tupperware can sod off. Likewise with silver coloured interor trim that isn't metal. How about I pay you in plastic coins painted silver ? No, you'd be telling me to sod off, wouldn't you ?! So sod off yourself.

[Brinty]

Good reason for a bloke not to argue with his wife while in the shower.

"OUCH!!!"

[Swanny]

Dont know how you link it so you will have to click on it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1b7DKQx5SCw

[Swanny]

Officials have confirmed that Micheal Jackson is dead but they are not sure whether to blame it on the sunshine, the moonlight, the good times or the boogey




Sorry British way of dealing with stuff is to make a joke about it

[Brinty]

British humor always is a winner in all aspects of life.

Long live THE GOONS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nebe1zuEtbc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VSSGiA4f5cs&NR=1

policia de mexico muy estupida

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9R3o6DCl0wM

(about a 1 min. street vid clip of a bank robbery in Mexico)

**MUST WATCH**

[metaw3]

http://failblog.org/2009/07/08/record-breaking-fail/