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Old 08-02-2009, 07:09 PM   #101
JesterTerrestrial
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Ok... This is for sure to make u laugh!
I truly mean the best for everyone but when I heard this in the news and...

I just had to wonder if his heart seized up?! Too many chemicals clog his arteries?!

Ah well, Rust in Peace!

Main Force Behind WD-40, Dies at 84
http://www.cnbc.com/id/32087984

[QUOTE]Material Safety Data Sheet
http://www.wd40.com/files/pdf/msds-wd494716385.pdf[
/QUOTE]

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Old 08-02-2009, 07:16 PM   #102
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

well as i say i really wish the best for everyone...

I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming like his passengers!


Alright enough of the twisted humor how about some borg jokes?


Borg Jokes are Irrelevant!
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Old 08-02-2009, 07:21 PM   #103
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Q. Why did the Borg cross the road?
A. To assimilate the other side.

Q: What does a depressed Borg say?
A: Everything's NOT futile.

Q: How many Borg does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: All of them.

Borg Answering Machine

1. WE ARE BORG.
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
But we're not home right now.
So leave a message at the tone and we'll assimilate you later.

Borgasm: The ecstasy of being assimilated.

I am DOS of Borg! Prepare... oops, out of memory!

Letterman of Borg - "Ok, Top 10 reasons why resistance is futile:"
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Old 08-04-2009, 12:36 PM   #104
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

hey guys thanks for the new

funnis ..... was nice to find

on my return

from Avebury ....

dont worry be happy ..

try to find some more chuckles for yer

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Old 08-05-2009, 12:44 AM   #105
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:09 AM   #106
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:21 AM   #107
day
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Every year, English teachers from across the USA can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays in order to have them published and sent out for the amusement of other teachers across the country. Recent winners:




1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.



2. His thoughts tumbled around inside his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.



3. He spoke with the kind of wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who goes blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.



4. She grew on him like she was a colon y of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.



5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like the sound a dog makes just before it throws up.



6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.



7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.



8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.



9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.



10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.



11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.



12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.



13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like mag gots when you fry them in hot grease.



14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. travelling west at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. traveling east at a speed of 35 mph.



15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.



16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.



17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .



18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.



19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.



20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.



21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.



22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.



23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.



24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing their kids around with power tools.



25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:28 AM   #108
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AGELESS WIT AND OBSERVATIONS

February 1st, 2008 | Patriot post



Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

“If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.”
Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself…
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don’t make jokes I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
-P.J. O’Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it.
-Unknown

The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson
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Old 08-06-2009, 07:38 PM   #109
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Old 08-06-2009, 08:52 PM   #110
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Swanny View Post






That is soooooooooo funny
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Old 08-07-2009, 07:08 PM   #111
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Old 08-07-2009, 09:29 PM   #112
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhythm View Post
That is soooooooooo funny
ooooopppppsss fell for it too
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Old 08-08-2009, 12:04 AM   #113
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rhythm View Post
That is soooooooooo funny
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Old 08-08-2009, 04:25 PM   #114
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behind locked doors at NASA.....
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Old 08-09-2009, 11:52 AM   #115
day
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied, 'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over.'
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Old 08-09-2009, 09:26 PM   #116
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ZEN of SARCASM

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand milesbegins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

15. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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Old 08-09-2009, 09:28 PM   #117
rhythm
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Day you are very funny

thanks for all these

laughs
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Old 08-09-2009, 09:40 PM   #118
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Old 08-10-2009, 12:14 PM   #119
day
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These are excerpts from a new book called "Disorder in the American
Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm and not laughing while these exchanges were actually
taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of
the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your
memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't
remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband
said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever
been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until
the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,
how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a
beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law somewhere
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Old 08-10-2009, 09:31 PM   #120
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Please forgive me for this one, but I just have to get it off my chest.

All the animals in the jungle were shocked by the scream of anguish which echoed through the undergrowth. Racing in the direction the scream came from they found Thomas the toad sobbing uncontrollably. When they’d calmed him down he said, “Somebody has stolen my 4 point tool. I hid it under this bush before going to sleep last night, and when I woke up this morning it was gone. Boo-hoo-hoo,” and he started crying again.

The other animals felt sorry for him and decided to hunt the culprit down. Days were spent with no luck and then Michael the monkey called out, “I’ve just discovered that there is a newcomer to our jungle. I bet he stole Thomas’ 4 point tool. Lets track this newcomer down and put it to him.”

Next day they came across the remains of some poor creature who hadn’t run fast enough. Carefully looking around they saw footprints in the moist ground. They followed them until they came to a large, black, sleeping animal.

“Who are you?” called Peter the parrot. “Come on, who are you?” There was no response so he called out louder. Eventually the sleeping animal awoke and peering around, asked, “what’s it to you?”

“We just like to know a little bit about newcomers to our jungle - who they are and what they do” replied Peter Parrot. “We’ve had a thief and one of our members has lost a 4 point tool. Would you know anything about it?”

“Well naturally,” replied the black animal as he stood up and puffed his chest out,
“I know all about it - you see, I’m a Jaguar - a 4 point tool eater Jaguar.”
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Old 08-11-2009, 02:02 PM   #121
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*

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Old 08-11-2009, 05:40 PM   #122
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*

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Old 08-11-2009, 09:30 PM   #123
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

THESE AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES ARE GREAT, they all seemed to work!

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

MEN, AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU'LL BE TOO AFRAID TO COUGH.

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS
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Old 08-11-2009, 09:32 PM   #124
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."
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Old 08-17-2009, 08:50 AM   #125
rhythm
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Default Re: Able to laugh put it here on this thread if you are ...yes make me laugh , i be

Wanna laught your socks off go you


u tube fknnewz


to rude for here me thinks
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