Go Back   Old Project Avalon Forum (ARCHIVE) > Project Camelot Forum > Project Camelot > Off-Topic

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-12-2008, 11:25 PM   #1
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Quotes and jokes!

Just thought a light hearted jokey quotey thread would lighten things up if anyone is feeling low at any point-just pop into here there maybe something that tickles yer fancy!!lol!

Start off with some quotations first then let's see if anyone can find some decent,clean jocular stuff?Please add some humour folks.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence;
then success is sure.
Mark Twain


If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either.
Dick Cavett


"You can't say that civilization don't advance,
for in every war they kill you in a new way."
Will Rogers



Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln




When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.
Japanese Proverb


Character is like a tree and reputation like its shadow.
The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.
Abraham Lincoln


Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast;
in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish.
Ovid




Books are the quietest and most constant of friends;
they are the most accessible and wisest of counsellors,
and the most patient of teachers.
Charles W. Eliot


Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte



The glory of great men should always be measured by the means they have used to acquire it.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld



In history as in human life, regret does not bring back a lost moment
and a thousand years will not recover something lost in a single hour.
Stefan Zweig


Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower.
Albert Camus


He who strikes the first blow admits he's lost the argument.
Chinese Proverb



Half of the American people have never read a newspaper.
Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half.
Gore Vidal


Speak when you are angry - and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Laurence J. Peter


Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
Dan Rather


"There is no way in which birds differ more from man than the way
they can build and yet leave a landscape as it was before."
Robert Lynd



Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.



If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.
Lyndon B. Johnson


Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles.
It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.
Abigail Van Buren


To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
Oscar Wilde



The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
Doug Larson

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances:
if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung


The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.
It is never any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde



What is the difference between unethical and ethical advertising?
Unethical advertising uses falsehoods to deceive the public;
ethical advertising uses truth to deceive the public.
Vilhjalmur Stefansson


"If the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years left to live." - Albert Einstein


"We abuse land because we regard it as a commodity belonging to us. When we see land as a commodity to which we belong, we may use it with love and respect." - Aldo Leopold


Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. - Oscar Wilde


“What do I think of Western civilisation? I think it would be a very good idea.” - Mahatma Gandhi

“No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.” - Voltaire

"Life is thickly sown with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to pass quickly through them. The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.” - VOLTAIRE


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-12-2008, 11:31 PM   #2
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

One repays a teacher badly if one remains nothing but a pupil.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)


Then there's this:
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

Louis Hector Berlioz


Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


LEARNED THE HARD WAY - when you take a dog on a car ride, he loves to stick his head out the window, but if you blow in his face, he gets very mad at you.





TRYING TO GET HEALTHY - I tried jogging, but it made the ice jump right out of my martini and put my cigarette out.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is believed to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language

COMMON SENSE? - You can't trust dogs to watch your food.



Never start an argument with an idiot, for he will drag you down to his level and then beat you with experience.... Anon

Pardon? .... Vincent Van Gogh


If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau


I'm The Best House Keeper in Holywood. Every time I get Divorced I keep the house.
Zaza Gabor (actress & HouseKeeper)


A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile
the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery


'I never thought I was going to date an older man when I first met him. To me, it was different to hang out with someone with something to say that was so interesting and important and who was truly, incredibly intelligent. He's handsome and has so much charisma - and he's so funny. He's very normal and down to earth. He's an incredible man and I just love him' - 27-year-old Australian model Kristy Hinze reveals the attraction of her 63-year-old boyfriend Jim Clark. Who happened to found Netscape and is a billionaire.

Last edited by Antaletriangle; 09-12-2008 at 11:39 PM.
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2008, 02:16 PM   #3
Soul Sequence
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Windsor, Ontario
Posts: 175
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Though I believe we are nearing close to some major changes occuring, I thought this was cute.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg 2012 joke.jpg (47.5 KB, 65 views)
Soul Sequence is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-2008, 02:34 AM   #4
371
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 503
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

That cartoon remind me of one that I saw a while back (and was actually plagarized from Gary Larson's Far Side).

A Bigfoot, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and a Grey (w/ massive cranium) are sitting around a table playing cards when police bust in and raid the place. A cop asks: "OK- which one of you is the brains of the operation??" nyuk yuk yuk
371 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-18-2008, 02:41 AM   #5
sfth13
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 99
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese.
Carl Sagan
US astronomer & popularizer of astronomy (1934 - 1996)
sfth13 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2008, 09:06 PM   #6
Soul Sequence
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Windsor, Ontario
Posts: 175
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

LOL.....apologize to any Palin fans but I found this web page where you click on things on the image. Made me laugh, lots of things to click on. Some may find this amusing.

http://www.palinaspresident.us/
Soul Sequence is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2008, 11:04 PM   #7
Chesmayne
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 24
Smile Re: Quotes and jokes!

"We are all strong enough to bear the misfortunes of others"

"Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me,
In the carriage was just ourselves
and e-t-e-r-n-i-t-y".


"When your neighbour loses his job it is called a recession. When you lose your job it is called a depression"!

WIT.......


JOKER.......

02 Dagonet was KI Arthur’s jester who was made a knight as a joke.

03 Leprechaun (Irish/Oirish): indulges in jokes at mortals’ expense. He is often the guardian of a treasure.

04 Bible: Samson - practical joker. Judge. Became champion but fell to a woman’s wiles and went out in a blaze of glory.

05 Robin Hood, Wyatt Earp etc.

06 American Indian: Coyote, the great trickster.

07 Japan: the badger often plays the part of a jester.

08 Jean de la Fontaine (1621-1695): C’est double plaisir de tromper le trompeur. ‘It is double pleasing to trick the trickster’.

09 Harlequin: visible only to his faithful Columbine. His function is to dance through the world and frustrate all the knavish tricks of the clown.

11 In the folly of our acts we see our own foolishness. The humour of the ages - the cosmic joke is not just on ourselves but on everyone else - booby traps and all the humorous and whimsical things you encounter along life’s journey. If you cannot laugh and joke at yourself and your own crazy antics, you have lost the game. The purpose of joking and laughing is to see things from a new viewpoint.

01 Keen perception and cleverly apt expression of connections between ideas which may arouse pleasure and especially amusement - speech or writing showing such perception and expression - a person endowed with or noted for such wit - understanding, intelligence, or sagacity: wit enough to come in out of the rain - mental abilities, or powers of intelligent observation, keen perception, ingenious contrivance, etc - ‘to have one’s wits about him/her’ - mental faculties, or senses: ‘to lose or regain one’s wits’ - mental capacity; reason; intellect - a clever or learned person - ‘at one’s wits end’ (at the end of one’s powers of knowing, thinking etc - utterly at loss or perplexed. Five wits - the five senses, or the perception generally. ‘Live by one’s wits’ (to gain a livelihood by resourcefulness and quick-wittedness rather than by hard work). ‘Out of one’s wits’ (in or into a state of great fear) or incoherence: ‘to frighten someone out of his/her wits’ - drollery, facetiousness, repartee - wisdom. “When the wine is in, the wit it out”.

02 Witticism: a witty remark - a joke (modeled on criticism).

03 Paronomasia: wordplay of the punning kind, using similar sounding or identical sounding words with different meanings in close proximity to each other, for an effect of comedy, balance, or cleverness. Many of the myths of Dionysus reflect the trait of ‘losing the wits’ and of tearing or being torn apart.

04 Dinadan: knight of the Round Table. The only figure who has a genuine sense of humor and satirical talent. He wrote a lampoon against KI Mark and played pranks on the other knights.

05 Benjamin Franklin: “At 20 years of age, the will reigns; at 30, the wit; and at 40, the judgment”.

06 Alexander Pope: “True Wit is Nature to advantage dress’d, what oft was thought, but ne’er so well express’d”.

07 Hamlet: “Brevity is the soul of wit”.

08 Henry IV Part-2: “I am not only witty in myself, but the cause of that wit is in other men”.

09 Figaro: a type of daring, cunning and witty roguery and intrigue.

10 Attic salt: elegant and delicate wit (sparkling thought, well expressed). “Here lies a KI, that ruled as he thought fit – the universal monarchy of wit”.


HUMOUR.......

The quality of being funny: ‘the humor of the situation’ - the faculty of perceiving what is amusing or comical: sense of humor - the faculty of expressing the amusing or comical - speech or writing showing this faculty - mental disposition or tendency - frame of mind - capricious or freakish inclination - whim or caprice - odd traits - cardinal humors (regarded as determining, by their relative proportions in the system, a person’s physical and mental constitution). Out of humor (displeased or dissatisfied, cross) - to comply with the humor of - indulge - to humor a child - to accommodate oneself to. Humor, wit are contrasting terms which agree in referring to an ability to express a sense of the clever or amusing. Humor consists in the bringing together of certain incongruities which arise naturally from situations or character, frequently so as to illustrate some fundamental absurdity in human nature or conduct; it is a more kindly trait than wit - ‘a genial and mellow type of humor’. Wit is a purely intellectual, often spontaneous, manifestation of cleverness and quickness of apprehension in discovering analogies between things really unlike, and expressing them in brief, diverting, and sometimes sharp observations or remarks: humor produces a smile, but wit produces sudden laughter - temperament, mood. Humor, Gratify, Indulge - imply attempting to satisfy the wishes or whims of oneself or others. To humor is to comply with the mood, fancy, or, caprice of another, as in order to satisfy, soothe, or manage: to humor an invalid, a child. To ‘gratify’ is to please by satisfying the likings or desires: to gratify someone by praising him/her. ‘Indulge’ suggests a yielding to wishes by way of favor or complaisance, and may imply a habitual or excessive yielding to whims: to indulge an unreasonable demand, to indulge an irresponsible son. Isaac: means ‘one laughs’ (Abraham laughed at the idea of Sarah bearing a child, but Sarah had the last laugh). “Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else”.

Last edited by Chesmayne; 10-21-2008 at 03:34 AM.
Chesmayne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2008, 11:09 PM   #8
Lotus
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 90
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

loved the Palin page...


"They're saying that when Sarah Palin is speaking, she blinks her eyes. People believe that those are coded messages, and I'm a conspiracy nut. So I got a hold of a tape of a recent campaign appearance, and I slowed it down. And if you translate the blinks to Morse code, sure enough, right there it says, 'Vote for Grandpa.'" --David Letterman
Lotus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2008, 11:14 PM   #9
Lotus
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Hawaii
Posts: 90
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno
Lotus is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 12:34 AM   #10
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

I thought I'd found a thread I could relate to where I could tell loads of jokes. Then I saw the words "decent" and "clean". Oh well, such is life
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 01:22 AM   #11
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

CAR AIR CONDITIONERS - The real story of how they came
to be.

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented
and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97
degrees. The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's
office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that
3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in
the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was
curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car.They persuaded him to get into the car which was about
130 degrees - turned on the air conditioner and cooled the
car off immediately. The old man got very excited and
invited them back to the office, where he offered them

$3
million for the patent.The brothers refused, saying they
would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition
by having a label, "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,"
on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.Now
old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and
there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name
on 2 million Fords.They haggled back and forth for about 2
hours and finally agreed on $4 million, and that just their
first names would be shown.And so to this day, all Ford air
conditioners show Norm, Hi and Max on the controls.
Now you know.
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 01:38 AM   #12
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

A motorcycle cop saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf."
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 01:44 AM   #13
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brinty View Post
A motorcycle cop saw a woman driver knitting while she was driving. He rode up alongside and pointing to the side of the road yelled, "Pull over."
She yelled back, "No, scarf."
Oh man that's funny!!!!!
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 02:02 AM   #14
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

BEAR REMOVER

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof; then, I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 02:19 AM   #15
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

An elderly woman driver was seen to be driving erratically and was pulled over by a cop who suspected she was drunk in charge. He asked if she had been drinking, she told him, "Yes, I've had two beers, three double bourbons and a four glasses of wine. He then asked to see her licence. "I don't have one." she replied,
Startled, the cop asked if it was her car, "No," she replied, "I shot the owner with my gun and took the car."
The cop was worried by her admission and radioed for urgent backup. "Where is the owner now," he asked. She replied, "I stuffed him in the boot."
Within two minutes three police cars arrived and the occupants leaped out with guns at the ready.
The superior officer spoke to the cop who told him that the woman had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot, stolen the car and that she didn't have a drivers licence and she had been drinking.

The senior officer walked cautiously up to the woman's window and asked her to open the trunk, which she did. There was no body in there. Looking at the cop who had pulled her up, he then said to the woman, "Where's your gun?" She replied , "I don't have a gun."
Looking at the cop again the officer then asked her, "Do you have a driver's licence?"
"Yes," said the woman and reached into her handbag. "Is this your car?" "Yes," replied the woman showing him the proof of ownership. Puzzled, the officer said, "This man told me that you told him this wasn't your car, you had shot the owner, stuffed him in the boot and and that you had no driver's licence."
"Hmph! He probably told you I'd been drinking as well."
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 03:44 AM   #16
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.



Probably wasn't the same elephant.
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 06:57 AM   #17
raulduke
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 454
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

These are indeed troubled and desperate time we are living in.
I can provide the very wise and comforting answer to the ultimate question though:

The answer is 42.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aboZctrHfK8

Oh yeah, this is important too.

Don't Panic......and always bring a towel.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg images.jpg (3.0 KB, 8 views)
raulduke is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 07:06 AM   #18
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Classic rd, and funny too!
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 10:59 AM   #19
Swanny
I dont need a label !
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Shire of Wilt
Posts: 2,889
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

People will forget what you said ... ..
People will forget what you did ... ..
But people will never forget how you made them feel.....


An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an ar$ehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours*
Swanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-18-2008, 05:39 PM   #20
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Great joke Swanny!
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-20-2008, 10:49 PM   #21
Swanny
I dont need a label !
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Shire of Wilt
Posts: 2,889
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

I'm not paranoid......
I KNOW they are watching me



Swanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-2008, 09:16 PM   #22
Swanny
I dont need a label !
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Shire of Wilt
Posts: 2,889
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Bought some Armageddon cheese today

On the packet it says

"Best before end."

Swanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-2008, 09:41 PM   #23
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

A postman has a large package to deliver to a home but as it won't fit in the letterbox, he decides to leave it on the doorstep. Just as he is putting it down a small dog comes flying around the corner, bites him on the hand then sits down and barring its teeth, growls most ferociously. The postman is now holding his hand close to his chest and wailing fit wake the dead. At this moment the door is flung open and a little old lady looks the postman up and down and says, "come on my good man - Meg's bark is worse than her bite, what's all the fuss about?"

The postman stops wailing and holding his injured hand out to her replies, "if that's a fact, I'm glad she didn't bark then!"
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-2008, 09:48 PM   #24
Elephant Man
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 124
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Crossing Over
A monk on his journey home comes to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he ponders for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.

Just as he is to give up his journey, he sees a great teacher on the other side of the river. The monk yells over to the teacher, "Oh Master, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?"

The teacher ponders for a moment, looks up and down the river and yells back, "You are already on the other side."

***
Elephant Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-28-2008, 09:58 PM   #25
Elephant Man
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 124
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

ok one more, then i'm outa here ...

Saving a Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Wellll," he says, in a fine Irish brouge, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi' me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY word."

They both look down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures."
Elephant Man is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:24 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Project Avalon