Go Back   Old Project Avalon Forum (ARCHIVE) > Project Camelot Forum > Project Camelot > Off-Topic

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 12-04-2008, 05:17 AM   #151
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Four blokes were sitting at a bar in a tavern in India. At the next table sat a young blonde.
The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."
The second fellow replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."
The third guy said, "You both have it wrong, it's WOOM."
The last bloke says, "No, it has to be WOOMMMBBB."

At this, the blonde can stand it no longer. She gets up, walks over to the blokes and says, "Look you dumb asses, it's WOMB. That's all there is to it." Then she stomps out of the bar.

Eventually, one of the guys breaks the stunned silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never heard an elephant fart."
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2008, 05:22 AM   #152
THE eXchanger
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Spiritual eXplorer-Canada
Posts: 4,915
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

i have all your catZ

http://www.coverpop.com/pop/lolcats/

(move your cursor to any spot on the portrait and click)

quite a few very funny cat pictures with commentS
THE eXchanger is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2008, 05:26 AM   #153
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Speaking of elephants . . . . . A jeweller rings the police to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened sergeant. A truck backed up to my shop, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke the plate glass window, put his trunk through the hole, and sucked up all the jewellery. He climbed back into the truck, closed the doors and the truck sped off."
The sergeant asked, "Did you notice whether it was an Indian elephant or and African one?"
"Oh, what's the difference?" asked the puzzled jeweller.
"Well," says the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant only has small ones."
"No, can't help you there sergeant, I didn't see the ears, he had a stocking over his head."
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2008, 06:01 AM   #154
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Arrrgh

Last edited by Dantheman62; 12-04-2008 at 06:03 AM. Reason: nevermind
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2008, 10:54 AM   #155
capreycorn
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: switzerland
Posts: 455
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dantheman62 View Post
Arrrgh
capreycorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-04-2008, 11:29 AM   #156
Seth Haniel
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Hartlepool England But Moving Shortly to Fauldhouse Scotland
Posts: 172
Cool Re: Quotes and jokes!

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
------------------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.and pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!'
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Seth Haniel is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-06-2008, 05:25 PM   #157
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.


Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.


As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.


Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"


Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"


He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s...t when I tell you the price."
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2008, 06:33 PM   #158
Swanny
I dont need a label !
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Shire of Wilt
Posts: 2,889
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class
one morning and she asked the question,
'When you die and go to Heaven...
which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, 'because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

'Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into mummy and daddy's bedroom the other night and mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh ! God, I'm coming!'

'If dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted

Swanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2008, 06:35 PM   #159
Swanny
I dont need a label !
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Shire of Wilt
Posts: 2,889
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. May I stay the night?"
>
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
>
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man's car breaks down in front of the same monastery.
>
The monks again accept him, feed him and fix his car.
>
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound that he had heard years earlier.
>
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply was, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
>
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
>
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
>
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He informs the monks, "I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."
>
The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
>
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
>
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key"?
>
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
>
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.
>
The monks give him the key and he opens the door, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
>
Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door".
>
The man is relieved. He unlocks the door, turns the knob and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
>

>

>

>

>
>
>

>

>

. . . But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
Swanny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2008, 06:39 PM   #160
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Bloomin puddled man!!!lol.
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-09-2008, 07:10 PM   #161
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Last Will And Testament
Of A Farmer

I Leave:

To my wife--My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.

To my son--Equity on my car. Now he'll have to work to meet the payments.

To my banker--My soul. He has the Mortgage on it anyway.

To my neighbor--My clown suit. He'll need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.

To EmH.A..--My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me and I want to do something for them.

To A.S.C.S.--My grain bin. I was planning to let them take it next year anyway.

To the Farm Advisor--50 bushels of corn to see if he can hit the market.

To the SCS--My farm plan. Maybe they can understand it.

To the Junk Man--All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.

To my undertaker--A special request. I want six implement and fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.

To the weatherman--Rain, sleet, and snow for the funeral, please. No sense in having good weather now.

To the gravedigger--Don't bother. The hole I am in should be big enough.

To the Monument Maker--Set up a jig for the epitaph, "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

Author Unknown
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2008, 09:08 PM   #162
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy, how come I'm black and
you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even go there! From what I can
remember about that f.....g party, you're lucky you don't bark!

Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2008, 12:46 AM   #163
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Funny Dan!

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old timer, time for you to retire."


The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these hens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"


The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over.."


The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."


The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So,just to be fair, I will give you a head start."


The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.


The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters go running by.


He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits.


The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."




Moral of this story? .

1) You don't get old being a fool!

2) Age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

3) Don't mess with us OLD TIMERS !

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darth Vader at Xmas

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darth Vader is sitting at the dinner table at xmas eve, he takes a long slow breath....turns to luke Skywalker and announces...

" I know what you have for xmas young skywalker"

"thats impossible...how do you know that"? asks Luke

Vader replies " Easy... I felt your presence
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Thunder God went for a ride,
upon his favorite filly.

"I'm Thor!", he cried!

The horse replied,
"You forgot your thaddle, thilly..."

Last edited by Antaletriangle; 12-13-2008 at 12:56 AM.
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2008, 10:41 AM   #164
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

There are 10 to the 11th power of stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number.
But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit!
We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.
Richard Feynman
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2008, 07:55 PM   #165
capreycorn
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: switzerland
Posts: 455
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!



Last edited by capreycorn; 12-13-2008 at 08:02 PM.
capreycorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2008, 07:56 PM   #166
capreycorn
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: switzerland
Posts: 455
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!




Last edited by capreycorn; 12-13-2008 at 07:58 PM.
capreycorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-13-2008, 08:13 PM   #167
capreycorn
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: switzerland
Posts: 455
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!



capreycorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2008, 03:33 AM   #168
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

A turtle was walking down an alley when he was mugged by a gang of snails. When a detective sent to investigate the incident asked, "can you explain exactly how many there were and whether they had any features that could identify them?"

The turtle blinked a couple of times then replied, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2008, 04:10 AM   #169
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

BwaHaHa, "it all happened so fast", bwaHaHaHa, that's good in a simple kind of way!
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-17-2008, 06:05 PM   #170
Dantheman62
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: So. Cal. U.S.
Posts: 4,205
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

[url]
Dantheman62 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2008, 12:05 PM   #171
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

The church steeple was very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down, and as the steeple was widening out and taking more paint, he felt he might not have enough to finish the job. Since he was hot and tired and didn't relish another trip down to the ground, he decided to stretch the paint by adding more thinners.

When he had finished, he lowered himself to the ground and began to clean up. He looked up to see the result of his work and noticed that the area where he had used the thinned paint, looked decidedly different. He was wondering what he should do when the skies darkened and a voice boomed out, "REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2008, 12:36 PM   #172
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

O.K. Brinto you're dredging these up mate!!lol God has a lisp now!lol.
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2008, 12:51 PM   #173
Steve_A
Project Avalon Moderator
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Northeastern Brazil
Posts: 1,259
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

There was a meeting between the British police force, the French and US.

They wanted to show how their investigation tactics were effective and so went off to Epping Forrest for an exercise.

They let off three foxes and had to track them and retreive them.

After half an hour the representatives from New Scotland Yard brought back the first fox, explaining that it had left footprints in the soft earth and it was through good phorensics that they managed to aprehend the animal.

After another five minutes Interpol arrived with the second fox and revealed that Reynard has brushed up against some tree trunks and had left traces of fox fur which led the French to where he was hiding, all due to good detective work.

Another half an hour and the guys from Guantanamo arrived with a really battered and bruised pig screaming, "Okay, okay I'm a f***ing fox!!".

Last edited by Steve_A; 12-22-2008 at 07:18 PM.
Steve_A is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2008, 01:38 PM   #174
Antaletriangle
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: U.K.
Posts: 3,380
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

O.K. jack!!lol. I do like lateral thinking jokes.lol.
Antaletriangle is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-18-2008, 10:28 PM   #175
Brinty
Avalon Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Blackbutt, Queensland, Australia
Posts: 1,004
Default Re: Quotes and jokes!

Rabbi Landau had given his last Sunday school lesson before going on holiday. As he prepared for his travels he realized he had always had a secret - he was sad that he had never been able to taste roast pork. He then and there decided to travel to a remote tropical island where nobody would know who he was, book into a hotel and indulge his secret desire.

On the first evening there, he reserves a table at the top restaurant and orders 'the roast pork special'. While he's waiting, he hears someone call his name. He looks up and sees one of his congregation walking towards his table.

What unbelievably bad luck - to visit this restaurant on this remote island, at this time and to bump into one of his own congregation members. To compound his bad luck, the waither chose this moment to appear with his meal on a trolley.

The lid was removed from the large dish and there was a steaming, whole, roast suckling pig with an apple in its mouth. Rabbi Landau was struck speechless for a couple of seconds before recoverting his composure.

He turned to his congregant and says in a sheepish voice, "Would you believe it - you order an apple in this restaurant, and look how they present it."
Brinty is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:21 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Project Avalon