Quotes and jokes!

[Brinty]

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist are discussing which is better: a wife or a mistress.
The physicist: "A mistress - you still have the freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: :"A wife - you have security"
The computer scientist: "Both - if I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my mistress. If I'm not with my mistress, she thinks I'm with my wife. That leaves me free to be with my computer without being disturbed by anyone.

[Antaletriangle]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, ' What gender is 'computer' ?
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
a male group and a female group, then asked them to decide for themselves
whether ' computer ' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' would definitely be
of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because ;
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval, and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

( AND IT GETS BETTER )

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because ;
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they ARE the problem, and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[Antaletriangle]

2D world:

[KassandraLoves]

[Brinty]

A hospital posted a printed notice in the nurses' lounge saying, "Remember, the first five minutes of a human's life are the most dangerous!"
Underneath, was a handwritten addition, "The last five are pretty risky too!"

[Orion Morris]

Kassandra---- Those are f***in helarious!

Especially the KKK one... Ohh man that is what I needed to see just now...

[KassandraLoves]

Yeah, i know Ive posted a few already, but these are just GEMS.












LOVE!!!!

[Brinty]

The Agricultural College Principal was interviewing a prospective student. "Why have you chosen this career?"
"I dream of making a million dollars in farming like my father."
"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" said the impressed Principal.
"No," replied the student, "but he always dreamed of it."

[Antaletriangle]

Survival exercise
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.


Night falls...


First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes.
"Excellent!" remarks the trainer.


Next up - the Para 's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.


Lastly, in go the Coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.


"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".


So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.


The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"Alright, alright, I'm a f****in' rabbit!"

[777 The Great Work]

Originally Posted by Swanny

Bought some Armageddon cheese today

On the packet it says

"Best before end."

Now thats funny

[Antaletriangle]

Hampshire police thought it would be a good idea to advertise on the rear of a bus. Their planning however, didn't take into account the position of the exhaust pipe!!

[777 The Great Work]

BARRY MANILOW REMIX

I remember all my life
Rainin' down as cold as ice
Shadows of a man
A face through a window
Cryin' in the night
The night goes into

Mornin', just another day
Happy people pass my way
Lookin' in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me, OBAMA

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
and I need you today. OBAMA!

I'm standing on the edge of time
I've walked away when love was mine
Caught up in a world of uphill climbin'
The tears are in my mind
And nothin' is rhyming, OBAMA

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, OBAMA

Yesterday's a dream
I face the mornin'
Cryin' on a breeze
The pain is callin', OBAMA

Well, you came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you today, oh OBAMA

You came and you gave without takin'
But I sent you away, OBAMA
You kissed me and stopped me from shakin'
And I need you!

[777 The Great Work]

Originally Posted by KassandraLoves

WTF

[Antaletriangle]

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy
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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"
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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.


I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
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" So I rang up a local building firm,

I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family,
so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

[capreycorn]

(after the streetparade)

[Antaletriangle]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"


I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other


"Does this taste funny to you?"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice."
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "

The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day.


It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.


A strong currant pulled him in.

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[capreycorn]

[Antaletriangle]

A man appeared before St Peter at the Pearly Gates:
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."

[777 The Great Work]

[777 The Great Work]

ITs a 2000 mile long space ship


HOLD ON WAIT



ItS COMMING

[Oneness]

Never did get these statues.... Whats up with that?!!

[Oneness]

And some how...this is .........Sexy?!!

[777 The Great Work]

Originally Posted by Oneness

Never did get these statues.... Whats up with that?!!

Thats mind over matter