Feeling un-motivated and quite out of place. And LOTS of paranormal stuff happening!

[Princess Mew Mew]

Wow.. I feel like I can relate to almost every single post in here so far.

Lately I've been feeling pretty disconnected. I've been a loner for most of my life but this year has been absolutely bizarre. And I've been feeling very lonely lately. And it's a feeling I absolutely can't stand anymore, I've been feeling lonely my whole life.

One of my friends thinks I don't love her anymore. I simply don't feel motivated enough to go out and do things I have to do, such as paying rent, depositing money, paying the electricity bill. I've never liked these things and never will.. As a kid growing up I hated homework, I only loved school because it was my escape from home. But kids treated me poorly, teachers thought I had mental problems, I was put on Ritalin starting 4th grade. When I was 5 I could read back a long list of numbers, backwards, with no effort whatsoever. I was irritated, at that age, that the teachers were amazed. I lost this ability very quickly.. But recently my daydreams are turning into real occurrences, my daydreams are coming true in my reality.

Today I saw 11:11AM. The synchronicity is becoming more and more frequent. I'm seeing the same times almost everyday. I'm either extremely sensitive to people's energy or not very sensitive at all and this seems to be fluctuating throughout my recent days. It's very confusing to me. Ever since I was born, I have always been very sensitive to the energy around me. I was very heavily influenced by the negativity, but I have indeed prepared my mind for the future.

So many changes... My father, I was very attached to him, passed away 14 days before my 21st birthday last year, January 14th 2007. He died in less than 10 days. Since then.. I have been hardly eating, I've been pretty anorexic with my eating habits for over a year now. I quit smoking cigarettes in the beginning of last month, but I did this on the Big Island and when I came back to my apartment on Oahu, I fell back into it.. I noticed that I am extremely unmotivated on this island. The energy here is chaotic.. A lot of my acquaintances and friends do a lot of drugs and partying, a lot of them don't know themselves, they don't appreciate themselves..

I've been exchanging information with many people and friends and some family. And I am having great difficulty being friends with or feeling connected to certain friends of mine these days.. A lot of them have too many fears and attachments or too much anger and chaos.. I'm finding it harder and harder to stay close to some friends as they either think I'm crazy.. or simply because of their energy, it makes me feel dirty or it makes my body shake uncontrollably when some of my friends get extremely worked up over an issue.. Last night I had to ask my roommate a couple times to please calm down, the energy in my room was so frickin intense, I felt hyper and chaotic like my roommate was acting and I was having a really hard time feeling calm.

The energy around me and coming from me seems to be really static-y, or really intense. When me or anyone in my room gets angry or worked up, my head, back, shoulders, arms, and hands all get really hot, like I'm being heated up. I get headaches before an argument breaks out. Ahh the list goes on and on.. and I probably sound too vague, either way.. I felt the need to express myself in someway..

I've been pretty damn confused lately, the energy I'm feeling is confusing.. I have no idea what's going on, I've been having a hard time focusing on certain things. I've been having a lot of difficulty with my communication skills lately, can't seem to organize my thoughts or formulate a proper sentence.. Regardless of all this.. I am always trying to maintain a space of love, it's been difficult..I gotta toughen up.. dunno why but I've been in a state of sorrow all day today, can't stop crying, where did my happiness go? This is weird to me..sometimes my body feels disconnected and light, like I'll blow away or fall over in the slightest breeze..and then sometimes I feel stuck, so stuck that it almost seems impossible to move.. This has been extremely frustrating for me I hope we can all find our answers when they're needed. I love you all, may the force be with you