hippihillbobbi, I recently began the foundation of a solid psychic business where I do readings for people and much more. After reading this post feel free to check out some readings I gave others around the world. Here is link....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV2lVFJxMAo
(Check out the comments concerning that video)
You are an eternal unlimited being and your existence proves it so. This means that all reality is you. You are being your whole reality in order to experience it. As a being of constant change you "change" your reality to change or "change to seem like the same old reality". One of the trillions (unlimited number) of reasons why nothing ever stays same because you/reality are energy and all energy is in motion, which is change.
Seems your working more for the possibilities than the reality of it all. That's ok cause we all do that from time to time. For example, it's possible that all man made time such as all past/present/future do not exist and that we all are always living in "the now". What also is possible is that you take that idea and actually live/exist it being your reality experience. Because no matter how much or how little anything or anyone seems being real to you in anyway it is you who decides what the truth of it all really is. This is about your free will to change and to accept change. For example, it's possible that all truth is ever changing and never ending because it to is energy in motion. There for nothing ever ends and all truth changes in known and unknown ways. I recommend that you chose being more awareness by being open to all possibilities. Yes, you may already being doing this but in what same old ways are you still doing it? Try different ways of looking at life. Like the old saying, "Put yourself in someone else shoes". That's just one example of perceiving something differently.
Nothing ever changes unless you chose to experience it being change in your own way(s). How we all experience anything is by way of our own perceptions of it all. I believe that the more perceptions you chose to experience, the better. With more perceptions comes more possibilities such as more options in life.
You want answers but I can't give any of them to you. In fact the reason why your asked for my help is because your higher self told you to ask me. Higher self is also your unconscious mind who is more connected to oneness or god/universe and all that jazz. If anything that you've read so far sparks an interest to your conscious mind, then your higher self has made a connection with you and through me. Again, it's not all me here, it's you as well. You can communicate more with your higher self through good quality & regular meditations for more possible answers.
Now I'm not asking you to believe in such things, but at least you could try to work with understanding it more. Still doesn't mean that you should believe. It is a possibility that may help you find what your looking for. Either way everything that you do and don't do in life is your much needed life path of education and it's all probably more valuable than you can comprehend at this moment.
One more thing. Always keep an open mind and heart and continually evolve this more and more. I think that your actually doing very well and that everything you seek also comes from within you. There really isn't anything else that I can tell you but if you have any questions concerning what I've said please do ask.
Kevin