[TraineeHuman]

Yellowcosmicseed, congratulations on identifying what your problem is. As far as I understand, that's always the biggest step in solving any problem. (You're halfway there already, truly.) The remaining step is to face your problem fully. I consider that facing things is the most spiritual thing any person can ever do. Of course, where things like meditation do come into the picture here is, they open up and increase the joy and peace and wisdom and strength inside of you. But yes, it does hurt, at first, when you face things. Also when you decide to act and make changes to your life.

So, if I had your problem, one thing I would do would be to meditate long enough every day that I would feel fully OK, and even joyful, inside. You seem to be instinctively almost trying to do that already, because you talk of the "haze" you are in. Meditation will bring in lots of healing light into you, which makes the darkness go away. Not only that, but I would meditate so much that I would be able to kind of "cover" the world around me all the time with OKness and even joy. I wouldn't care if this meant I had to drop everything else, other than my obligations to study/work etc. I wouldn't care if this took up five hours of my time every day, until the problem gets solved. First things first.

Another thing I would do is learn how to forgive my father, and whoever else may need to be forgiven. I hate to mention yet more reading material, but there's a book in paperback called Radical Forgiveness, by Colin Tipping. It gives you 26 steps you need to go through, one by one, insight by insight, until you get to true forgiveness. You'll know when you've reached true forgiveness because at that point you'll understand with your heart and your mind that back then your father did the best that he had understood to do. You'll understand that he was only human, and weak, and he would have behaved much the same way with any kid he had control of. You'll also forgive yourself, and realise it wasn't your fault, and understand that you can trust yourself now and that you're strong enough to handle the world around you.

This forum has so many members who are natural healers. Simply by making your post here you are getting a huge boost of supportive psychic energy and love, for now. If I were you, I'd act now, and not waste all that good energy.

You may have heard how in Chinese, they use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity". You do have the choice to take whatever steps are necessary to stop carrying this crisis around with you everywhere. Or else you can have it on your back for the rest of your life, if you never make the choice to act. If I were you. I'd start noticing every day whether in little things I'm choosing to keep the crisis or to work on taking the opportunity a tiny bit further.

People in their mid-teens are often very, very spiritual -- particularly the ones who daydream a lot. That's not a weakness. It's a gift. Western culture tends to criticise detachment (one of the highest and most important aspects of true spirituality) as just being "passive", or, supposedly, "uninvolved".